April 19, 2000

Bigfoot Dining--Napkin Optional

By Roy Rivenburg

Chez Sasquatch: Think of it as a cross between Martha Stewart and Chewbacca. Introducing "Cooking With Bigfoot," the world's first Sasquatch cookbook, written by a Bigfoot researcher from Douglas City, Calif.

According to Wireless Flash News Service, the guide will contain some 200 recipes, such as "Sasquatch Squirrel Stew," a tantalizing repast of road-kill squirrel, carrots, onions and Worcestershire sauce.

Author Bob Everett notes that Bigfoots are healthy eaters because their diet consists primarily of raw vegetables and low-fat meats like raccoon. However, there's no word on what type of wine goes best with raccoon.

Economic Suicide Bureau: Every generation has its own way of coping with financial ruin. In the stock market crash of 1929, distraught investors typically jumped out of skyscraper windows.

During 1987's Dow Jones disaster, the preferred method of hara-kiri was listening to David Soul records over and over until all brain functioning ceased.

Now, in the wake of April's Nasdaq roller coaster ride, investors are looking for new, high-tech ways to end it all. Hoping to fill that niche is WowWhatAWayToGo.com, a Michigan-based company that serves as a clearinghouse for unusual burial techniques.

For a fee, it helps customers figure out how they want to spend eternity and then contacts a merchant who can grant the request. For example, if someone wishes to become a dinner plate, they get sent to a company that mixes cremated ashes with clay and fires them into bone-white china.

Or they can have their ashes stored in a Harley Davidson gas tank converted into an urn, or inside a set of crystal wind chimes.

Other final resting places include the binding of a book, hollowed-out shotgun shells, a beer can or the seasoning in a bowl of Sasquatch Squirrel Stew (OK, we made up that last one).

The company's web site also lists bizarre celebrity burial methods, such as the Miami meteorologist who had his ashes dropped into the eye of Hurricane Danielle, and the renowned architect whose cremated remains were released into the ventilation system of Yale University's art and architecture building.

Mood Oreos Bureau: In the previous century, humans made many enormous strides, such as landing on the moon, cloning a sheep and curing various diseases. On the other hand, they also allowed Dan Quayle to be a heartbeat away from the presidency for four years, but still, overall it was an impressive run.

Now the 21st century can claim its first big scientific breakthrough: Cookie researchers at Nabisco have developed an Oreo that turns milk blue when dunked. The new Oreos will hit stores next week.

Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: Thirteen percent of Britons have no teeth.

Mother's Day Gift Guide: For the mom who has everything, stop by the National Wax Museum of Ireland's going-out-of-business sale, where $1 million can get you replicas of U2, Garth Brooks, Count Dracula and the Popemobile (complete with wax pontiff), according to the Irish Times.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "New Hope for the Blind: Seeing-Eye Weasels!" (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Allison Joyce, Chicago Sun-Times.

Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate