Yo Quiero E=MC2: How
come famous British pop stars and physicists always sing
with American accents? Nobody can explain the pop stars,
but they do know why physicist Stephen Hawking sounds
like a Yankee. The 59-year-old Oxford native speaks
through a computerized voice synthesizer made in
But he might soon switch. The London Times says Hawking
is considering an electronic voice system that uses a
Boring! It would be more fun if Hawking presented complex
scientific theories with the voice of, say, Elmer Fudd or
the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Another possibility is adopting
the timbre and vocabulary of game-show announcer Don
Pardo: The secrets of the universe are behind
Door No. 3, along with a beautiful set of Samsonite
luggage and a home version of the Big Bang!
Or he could try the phone company ladys voice:
Were sorry, you have reached a space-time
continuum that has been disconnected or sucked into a
Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: The average
number of people flying in airplanes at any given time is
366,144, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.
Magical Mystery Tour: After being
arrested last week on suspicion of possessing psychedelic
mushrooms, Aaron Sorkin, the creator of NBCs
The West Wing, issued this
statement: I am glad to be surrounded by such
a supportive group of people and am prepared to proceed
as directed by my attorney and in the best interest of my
family. I appreciate your respect for my familys
privacy during this period.
However, before releasing that statement, Sorkin wrote
several other drafts, which we obtained:
Draft 1: I am glad to be surrounded by such a
supportive group of COLORS, man. Far freakin out! I
am prepared to proceed as directed by the hookah-smoking
caterpillar who has given me the call. Ive just had
some kind of mushroom and my mind is moving slow. Also,
the white knight is talking backwards and Im not
sure what hes saying, man. Something about getting
in touch with Alice, but I dont know if he means
Alice Cooper or Alice from The Brady Bunch.
Draft 2: This is ridiculous. I mean, President
Bartlet (Martin Sheen) will just pardon me anyway.
Draft 3: MAGIC mushrooms? The guy at the gourmet
market said they were portabellos. Ive never done
drugs. Well, maybe some cocaine once, but I didnt
Draft 4: Youve gotta be kidding me!
The West Wing won nine Emmys last
year. Nine! Thats an industry record. Im
pretty sure that means Im above the law.
Just Add Elephant Dung: Die-hard
Southerners who want to fly the Confederate flag should
try a new strategy if they hope to win liberal support,
says Gene Veith: Call the flag art,
then say its SUPPOSED to offend people.
Full Employment Bureau: Downsized dot-commers
neednt worry about finding new jobs. Express
Personnel Services offers many exciting opportunities:
-- Wiping blood off the plexiglass at hockey games for $7
-- Answering phones at a hormone saliva testing facility
for $12 an hour.
-- Opening cans of beer and pouring them down a drain for
$6 per hour.
-- Sitting in a Redmond, Wash., office pretending to be
busy so visitors will think the company has lots of staff.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week:
The World is Running Out of Vampires and
Ghouls! Monster-Rights Groups Blame President Bush!
(Weekly World News)
Yet another consequence of efforts to gut the Endangered
Wireless Flash News Service, Ann Harrison.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators