August 2, 2000

'Scream IV: The Invasion
of Martha Stewart'

By Roy Rivenburg

Wicked Witch Update: Martha Stewart has announced plans to release a CD titled "Spooky Scary Sounds for Halloween," featuring 70 minutes of her telling you everything that's wrong with your house.

Actually, it will feature the sounds of howling winds, beating hearts, rattling chains, the sharpening of knives and other noises designed to "add an air of elegance, mystery, romance and magic to any entertainment event."

Where Are They Now?: A replica of Viking explorer Leif Eriksson's ship landed in Newfoundland this week, where it was immediately mobbed by wild throngs of teenage girls. No, wait, that would have been Leif GARRETT's boat.

Eriksson's entourage was met by a subdued crowd of tourists celebrating the 1,000th anniversary of his famous voyage across the Atlantic. For added authenticity, Newfoundland officials erected a fake Viking village and merchants hawked moose antler carvings, stuffed toys and horned Viking helmets, according to Reuters news service.

In other words, it was exactly the same scene that Eriksson and his crew encountered 1,000 years ago.

Just kidding. Everyone knows that the real Vikings were quickly rounded up by Native American border patrol agents and deported back to Iceland. And subsequent expeditions were nearly as fruitless. Although many of the Norsemen managed to elude immigration officers, the only jobs available to them were menial positions like busboy, dishwasher and congressman.

Those who couldn't find work had to panhandle, often with signs that read: "Will Loot and Pillage for Food."

Quote Unquote: Charlton Heston recently went through rehab for alcohol abuse, according to news reports. Reader Scott Martelle theorizes that his first remark after sobering up was: "I'm president of the National WHAT Association??"

Off-Kilter Pop Quiz: In the 1950s, when Ford Motor Co. was trying to choose a name for its Thunderbird car model, which of the following monikers received consideration: a) Hep Cat, b) Viking, c) Platypus, d) Beaver, e) Eddie Haskell.

May the Best Perm Win: If the Brady Bunch were stranded on a remote island and you had to kick off one cast member per week, who would be the first to go?

That's the premise behind "Brady Bunch Survivor," a strange Internet hybrid of America's favorite 1970s sitcom and its most annoying 2000 reality show.

So who's the most expendable? Alice? No, she'd handle all the cooking and cleaning. Sam the Butcher? Perhaps, but who else knows how to cut filet of rat?

Likewise, Mike is indispensable. His architect training is crucial for rebuilding an exact duplicate of the Brady estate. Marcia is needed for propagating the species (or Greg if you're a girl). Peter and Bobby are good at fixing bikes. Carol is a master of conflict resolution. Jan would make a fine island class president. And Cindy can be counted on to tattle on anyone's traitorous behavior.

It's a tough call. You can cast your vote at Brady Bunch Survivor

Pop Quiz Answer: The original list of names for the Ford Thunderbird included both Hep Cat and Beaver, according to the Washington Post.

Celebrity Birthday Bureau: Judge Lance Ito, of O.J. trial fame, and Butch Patrick, who played Eddie on "The Munsters," were born Aug. 2, better known as International Ping Pong Day.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: "Tots Practicing Drive-By Shootings ... On Their Tricycles!" (Weekly World News)

According to WWN, kids as young as age 3 are forming gangs and pedaling by the homes of rival tots to gun them down with toy pistols.

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service.

Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate