|Dec. 5, 2001
|By Roy Rivenburg
|Downsized Santa Bureau: Looking to
save some bucks this Christmas? Our North Pole advisory
board offers handy tips for finding the perfect gift in
tough economic times.
Tip No. 1: Hold out for the bargains. For instance, if youve got your eye on the new Victorias Secret Heavenly Star Bra, which is adorned with a 90-carat diamond and 1,200 pink sapphires, dont buy it right away. Wait until just before Christmas, when the $12.5 million price tag is bound to be marked down to a reasonable $12.4 million.
Tip No. 2: Beware of scams. For example, the Chicago Sun-Times recently promoted a CD of the minute of silence that followed Princess Dianas funeral. Dont be fooled! We listened to it and were pretty sure its actually the minute of silence from John Lennons death.
Tip No. 3: Choose practical gifts. Examples include a cast worn by Michael Jordan after he broke his leg ($17,000), a urinal once used by rock stars Jon Bon Jovi and Bryan Adams (recently auctioned on eBay), and a personal disco dance floor from Hammacher Schlemmer that emits 48 multicolored light beams whenever you shake your groove thing ($900).
Tip No. 4: When in doubt, give the gift of motor oil. We got this idea from a press release titled Pennzoil-Quaker State Co. Offers Holiday Gift Ideas. Because nothing says I love you like a quart of 10W-40.
Tip No. 5: Express your patriotism with a stocking stuffer like the Tweeze with Pride Tweezers from Mybeautybag.com. Studded with hand-cut red, white and blue Swarovski crystals, these $23 tweezers allow you to go pluck yourself with pride. (Thanks to Claire Martin for sending us this item.)
Tip No. 6: Dont waste your money on expensive Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model calendars. Instead, get your guy drooling with the new Butterball Turkey Ladies of the Talk-Line 2002 Calendar, featuring photos of the women who dispense cooking advice on the companys toll-free hotline. Not only is the calendar scintillating, its free. Call 800-BUTTERBALL or download a copy at www.butterball.com.
Tip No. 7: For the teenager on your list, vintage clothing is always a good bet. At the Butterfields auction house, you can pick up a green velvet jacket, pants and rhinestone knee-breech buckles worn by George Washington -- all for just $300,000. Your teen will be the envy of his classmates.
Alarming Trends Alert: Babar the elephant is learning to meditate. In his next book, Babars Yoga for Elephants, the 70-year-old pachyderm will demonstrate various yoga positions.
Weird Polls: The average shopping mall Santa has a 43-inch waist, according to a survey of 130 Santas conducted by General Growth Properties.
Gilligan Redux Bureau: Many were disappointed this week when the heavily hyped mystery invention Ginger was finally unveiled and turned out to be an overpriced scooter. Dont say we didnt warn you. We always liked mystery invention Mary Ann much better.
Celebrity Birthday Bureau: Lincoln Logs are 85 years old this month. Alka-Seltzer is 70. Donny Osmond is 44.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: Severed Leg Hops to Hospital! Accident Victims Runaway Limb is Reattached in 7-Hour Operation! (Weekly World News)
Bonus headline from WWN: Theres An Alien Implant in J.Los Butt
Unpaid Informants: Arizona Daily Star, Wireless Flash News Service, Hammacher.com, PR Newswire, Internetwire.com, Joel Harrison.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate