December 13, 2000
We're Off to See...
By Roy Rivenburg
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: If "The Wizard of Oz'' were filmed today, the script would have to be totally revamped to comply with modern safety regulations and political correctness. For example, the Scarecrow would be stuffed with flame-retardant Dupont fibers instead of straw, the Cowardly Lion would receive assertiveness training from self-help guru Tony Robbins, and the Wicked Wicca Practitioner of the East wouldn't be killed by a flying house because satellite weather photos would enable authorities to evacuate the area before the cyclone struck.
Other noteworthy changes:
Quote of the Week: From artist Sarah Lovett in the London Telegraph, discussing the $14,500 price tag for a piece called "Relic,'' in which she took a dead fly from the floor of John Lennon's childhood bedroom and mounted it in a glass case: "This fly is not about money. It's about questioning beliefs and why people need to believe in something, worship something.''
Lunatic Fringe Bureau: Santa has grounded his reindeer, according to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. PETA officials claim they met with Kris Kringle and persuaded him it was cruel to make Rudolph and friends fly around the world in subzero weather. Santa's sleigh will now be powered by an engine, PETA said.
News You Missed: We don't understand why the media devoted so much time to the Supreme Court's Florida recount ruling, especially when it meant ignoring other, more important legal opinions, such as actor Gary Coleman's stand on Razor scooters. The former star of "Diff'rent Strokes'' has officially called for scooters to be banned from city streets. We'll be talking with CNN legal analyst Greta Van Susteren and other law experts about this historic development as soon as they stop chattering about the election.
Stocking Stuffer Bureau: It's easy to go overboard on Christmas gifts, which is why we advise people to shop for inexpensive, practical items, such as:
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: "Siamese Twin Shocker: My Brother Turns Into a Werewolf Every Time the Moon is Full!'' (Weekly World News)
Unpaid Informants: www.internetwire.com, Ann Harrison, Baird Jones, Wireless Flash News Service, www.sfgate.com, Los Angeles magazine, W magazine, Allison Joyce.Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate