Frozen Funerals: An
Oregon couple has opened a combination coffin store and
ice cream parlor. No word on the flavors, but were
guessing Casket Crunch, Pralines n Cremation, Pall
Bearer Berry and Jamoca Almond Embalming Fluid. Were
also betting that the ice cream is sold by the cone, the
quart or the urn.
In other frozen dessert news, the maker of Dreyers
and Edys brand ice cream is sponsoring a contest to
dream up a new ice cream flavor using
ingredients you might find in Grandmas kitchen.
Although the company suggests concoctions like Sunny
Gingersnap Crunch or Lemonade Vanilla, we prefer Dentu-Creme
Ripple or Ex-Lax Swirl.
Prehistoric Binaca Bureau: Why did
dinosaurs go extinct? It mightve been their breath.
The new robotic Tyrannosaurus rex on display at Londons
Natural History Museum roars at visitors and exhales a
blend of jaguar urine, Thai curry, essence of cesspit,
machine oil, garbage, smoked fish and ozone.
The aroma is intended to be a reasonable facsimile of the
decaying-meat smell from a real T-rexs mouth. No
wonder the giant reptiles had trouble getting dates.
Quote of the Week: Hes
not the usual serial killer. Hes got a fantastic
sense of humor and he only kills bad people
-- producer Dino De Laurentis, defending the title
character from Hannibal in Daily
Oscar Chew Toy Bureau: As usual, this
years Oscar nominations are a travesty. In choosing
the candidates for best actor and actress, members of the
Academy inexplicably limited themselves to HUMAN stars,
thus ignoring riveting performances by the volleyball in
Cast Away and the cat in
Meet the Parents, among others.
Fortunately, the oversight is partially rectified by the
American Pet Products Manufacturers Association, which is
soliciting votes for the best pet actor of 2000. The
nominees are the pooch that played Oddball in
102 Dalmatians, the Grinchs
dog, the tigers from Gladiator,
the Meet the Parents kitty and
the canines from Best in Show.
E-mail your vote to firstname.lastname@example.org. The winner
will be announced in late March.
Alarming Trends Bureau: More reasons to
head for a monastery:
-- A New Jersey toy company plans to sell action figures
modeled after Bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster and a goat-sucking
-- A new footwear museum has opened in the Philippines to
showcase hundreds of shoes owned by Imelda Marcos.
-- A wristwatch manufacturer is creating timepieces based
on the cast of Survivor 2.
-- Four elephants were married in Thailand on Valentines
Day, according to Reuters news service.
Supermodel Prozac: When Cindy Crawford
gets the blues, she lifts her spirits by thinking about
picking corn, according to Wireless Flash News.
In other mental health news, three out of four parakeets
are depressed, according to an Arizona pet nutritionist
who apparently hasnt told the birds about the
beneficial effects of contemplating corn-picking.
Kiss of Death Bureau: Eminems
career must be just about over. First, Elton John
extended an olive branch to the controversial rapper.
Then Madonna chimed in. Now, Pat Boone has offered
support for Eminems right to sing foul lyrics. If
Barney and Mr. Rogers join in, hes finished.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week:
Arab Billionaires Bizarre Plot to Win
Kentucky Derby: Human Brains Transplanted Into Racehorses!
(Weekly World News)
Wireless Flash News Service, Ann Harrison, www.dreyers.com, www.roadsideamerica.com,
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators