Unnatural Selection Bureau: If
the theory of evolution is true, God help us, because the
entire human race is starting to resemble Kenny Rogers.
Evidence of the trend can be seen at www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com,
a website that photographically documents the strange
proliferation of silver-haired males sporting neatly
The site also reveals Kennys recipe for corn
muffins and gives tips on how you, too, can look like the
famous country singer and roasted-chicken impresario (Step
1: Grow hair longer than is currently fashionable, add
dye if necessary and wear your mane swept back, as though
a stiff breeze were constantly in the air).
Although some scientists predict disaster if everyone on
the planet becomes a clone of the Gambler, we think the
species could benefit. Everybody would instinctively know
when to hold em and know when to fold em.
Karaoke Car Alarms: Auto theft is about
to become a thing of the past, thanks to a revolutionary
car alarm that enables owners to record their own anti-theft
Instead of the usual chirping or honking sounds wailed by
traditional alarms, the new device blurts out customized
messages, such as: Get the (bleep) away from
my car, you (bleeping) little (bleep)! Or, if
you cant think of your own message, the system
comes with pre-recorded warnings in Japanese and English.
Its a promising concept, but we think the alarm
would be more effective if it blared, say, Muskrat
Love by the Captain and Tennille, or dialogue
from Battlefield Earth or a
speech by Al Gore, which would anesthetize the thieves
until police arrived.
No doubt you have some alarming ideas, as well. Send your
nominations for most terrifying anti-theft message or
sound to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Well publish the best in a future column and mail
some sort of prize to the funniest entry.
Jurassic Puke: Scientists in Spain have
unearthed the worlds oldest specimen of dinosaur
vomit, according to a paleontologist from the Natural
History Museum of Los Angeles County. The prehistoric
puke was spewed about 120 million years ago, by a
dinosaur that was partying like its 1,999 million B.C.
Roto-Rooter Meets MTV: Roto-Rooters
famously annoying jingle is entering the video age. The
company is sponsoring a contest to create the best music
video that incorporates a plumbing or drain-cleaning
story or theme, accompanied by the Roto-Rooter
We foresee a rap number, perhaps involving Eminem, Elton
John and a clogged sewer line: Yo, call Roto-Rooter,
thats the name, and away go troubles down the $%*@ing
According to rotorooter.com, the original
version of the jingle debuted in 1956 and was sung by
Captain Stubby and the Buccaneers. If played at high
volume, it would make an excellent car alarm.
Weird Polls Index: 32 percent of
Americans believe they can ward off the flu by praying,
according to a survey by Kleenex.
In other polling news, a survey by the Kaplan Thaler
Group found that 52 percent of Americans recognized
Richard Simmons face, but only 4 percent could
identify a portrait of Thomas Jefferson.
Loser of the Week: Rush Limbaugh earns
this weeks trophy, for sarcastically noting that
Hillary Clinton uttered the phrase I dont
know ... at least 25 times during a press
conference on the presidential pardons. But, as Chicago
columnist Zay N. Smith pointed out, Limbaugh never
did get around to mocking Colin Powell for saying I
dont know or I cant recall
65 times during the Iran-Contra hearings.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week:
My Clone is a Brat! Angry Mom is Suing
Scientists Who Created Her Carbon Copy in a Test Tube!
(Weekly World News)
Unpaid Informants: Wireless
Flash News Service, Ann Harrison.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators