Feb. 7, 2001

A Meal to Die For

By Roy Rivenburg

Gourmet Cannibal Bureau: Inspired by the release of ‘‘Hannibal,’’ the sequel to ‘‘Silence of the Lambs,’’ a Los Angeles chef has answered the age-old question of what wine goes best with grilled human. Her recommendation: a 1959 Chateau Lafit Rothschild. Chef Babette Ory also suggests serving the meal with a light side dish, such as asparagus spears in a wine-butter sauce.

One final rule of thumb: Try to match the age of the wine with the age of the person you’re eating.

Energy Crisis Solution of the Week: Actor Marlon Brando once tried to power his home with electric eels, according to the National Enquirer.

Weird PR Stunts: Pennsylvania tourism officials have apparently lost their minds. In an effort to promote their commonwealth as ‘‘a forward-thinking state that is on the cutting edge of technology,’’ they recently sent the following representatives to New York City: Patty Melt, a giant walking cheeseburger who serves as food safety mascot for the Pennsylvania Beef Council; Louie the Lightning Bug, an electricity mascot; Tip, a 7-foot-tall Crayola crayon who ‘‘never utters a word’’ and has previously traveled to Iceland, Chile and Poland; Yummie, an oversized gingerbread boy who serves as the official ambassador of Intercourse, Pa.; a Ben Franklin lookalike; Freddie the fish (motto: ‘‘Don’t drown, get hooked on water safety’’); and Cyber Phil, a towering groundhog.

Alarming Trends Bureau: The decline of Western civilization continues:
-- The photo spread in this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition will include pictures of Siegfried and Roy.
-- A Nevada spa has introduced massage oils that smell like margaritas, gin and tonics, tequila sunrises, pina coladas and other cocktails.
-- Rapper Snoop Dogg reportedly plans to license a line of women’s underwear featuring his face on the front.

Compassionate Conservatism, British-Style: An English website is urging the mayor of London to ‘‘upgrade’’ homeless people into street musicians by giving them free accordions and barrel organs, thus making them more likely to attract donations.

Theological Puzzle of the Week: In the movie ‘‘Left Behind,’’ when Christians are supernaturally beamed up to heaven shortly before Armageddon, their clothes, jewelry, eyeglasses and other earthly accoutrements stay put, falling to the ground in a heap. This prompts New York columnist Rod Dreher to wonder: ‘‘What, then, is going to happen to breast implants? And artificial knees and hips?’’

On a related note, happy birthday to the Antichrist, who just turned 39. The future dictator of the world was born Feb. 5, 1962, according to dead psychic Jeane Dixon. That means he or she is one of approximately 9 million humans who came into the world that day, including actress Jennifer Jason Leigh.

In other celebrity birthday news, Vanna White, whose favorite vowel is the letter ‘‘e,’’ turns 44 on Feb. 18. And Thomas Edison, whose last breath was put in a bottle now on display at the Ford Museum in Greenfield Village, Mich., would have been 154 on Feb. 11.

Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: The powder that was used by the Founding Fathers to keep their wigs white was made from ground rice.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: ‘‘Belly-Dancing Terrorists Invade Britain!’’ (Weekly World News)
Bonus headline, also from WWN: ‘‘Is Grandpa Acting Sick Just for the Sponge Baths?’’

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Baird Jones, Las Vegas Review Journal, National Review Online, Roberto Rivera, Trivia Time.

Copyright 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by
Creators Syndicate