Must-See TV: Ever
wonder what would happen if PBS tried to duplicate the
success of MTVs The Real World
and CBS Survivor? Then tune
in early next year to Frontier House, a new
series in which three families spend six months living as
1880s pioneers in Montana. Using only the technology of
that era (unless you count the TV and Web cameras
monitoring their every move), theyll battle
blizzards, baking sun, coyotes, hunger and
more, according to a press release. It might
sound dull, but dont underestimate PBS
ability to titillate viewers. For example, in the first
episode, three of the women will boil a kettle of soap
fat while wearing long dresses that expose their ankles.
OK, maybe PBS needs some help. Here are several possible
-- While foraging for berries, Tiffany, 21, is kidnapped
by Bigfoot. A romance blossoms, but when she confesses
her feelings, Sasquatch backs off, saying he knows
they will hook up eventually, but it doesnt have to
happen right away.
-- Tired of eating possum and prairie grass, Throckmorton
and Billy sneak off to a McDonalds for hamburgers and
fries. When they are caught, at first there is good-natured
kidding about breaking the rules, but it quickly
escalates into good-natured torture and good-natured
-- Jealousy builds after Miguel wins the 1884 Montana
lottery and splurges on a sport-utility Conestoga wagon,
designer coonskin caps and a steam-powered Learjet.
-- The residents create primitive bumper stickers:
My other car is an actual car,
My child is student of the month at home
school and Dont blame me --
I voted for Grover Cleveland.
-- A looming candle shortage brings rolling blackouts to
-- Cooking with the Donner family.
Weird Publicity Stunts: To celebrate the
opening of a Los Angeles veterinary clinic that performs
MRIs on animals, the owners hired a celebrity
Bengal tiger named Katie, who starred in
Jungle Book, and actress Linda
Blair of The Exorcist. We cant
figure out the connection, unless MRIs can determine
whether pets are demon-possessed.
Oliver North Dakota?: Last week, we
mentioned that North Dakota might rename itself in an
attempt to alter the states image as a frigid,
treeless prairie. No need. Thanks to this
months Tatanka Festival in Jamestown, the state
will soon be hailed as a frigid, treeless
prairie that just so happens to have the worlds
largest concrete buffalo. The cement critter
stands 46 feet high and weighs 20 tons.
We Recommend an A.D. 32 Merlot: The age-old
question of which wine goes best with certain meals --
red vs. white -- also extends to the Last Supper.
Although scholars think Jesus poured red wine at his most
famous dinner, many Catholic churches have begun using
white wine for communion, a switch that has triggered a
small theological dustup. The pro-white side argues that
white wine doesnt stain altar cloths and chalice
napkins. Also, Catholic doctrine is vague about color,
specifying only that communion wine be natural
from the fruit of the vine and not spoiled.
No doubt if margaritas had been served at the Last Supper,
theologians would be debating whether the drinks were
blended or on the rocks.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week:
Arnold the Pig Was Gay! Prissy Porker From TVs
Green Acres Exposed! (Weekly
Wireless Flash News Service, The Springfield-Cape
Girardeau Mirror, Catholic Extension magazine.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators