July 12, 2000
Lift-Off in an Hour and I
By Roy Rivenburg
Orbiting Clothes Bureau: America's space program is in a heap of trouble. In addition to misplacing several Mars landing craft, we're now losing the space fashion race. According to the London Times, Russia's space program has asked Donatella Versace to design its new spacesuits.
That means cosmonauts will soon be exploring the universe in sleek, crystal-embroidered tunics that project an aura of lustrous sexuality, while American astronauts clunk around in their traditional "modified Michelin tire man" ensembles.
Clearly, this is a national disgrace. The blame goes back to President John F. Kennedy, who was so paranoid about beating the Russians to the moon that he neglected to have NASA devote any energy to astronaut couture. Sadly, modern politicians are just as ignorant, with the possible exception of Jesse Ventura, who wore some fabulous outfits as a professional wrestler.
Father, Son and Deputy Sheriff: A Methodist church in Alabama is starting a Bible study based on "The Andy Griffith Show."
Lesson one: Goober, Barney Fife and Floyd the Barber as the new Three Wise Men.
If Guns Are Outlawed, Only Dogs Will Have Guns: As you know, dogs and other animals have been plotting for some time to overthrow the human race.
In recent years, they've shot their owners with rifles, run them over with cars and even blown entire houses to smithereens by "accidentally" turning on the gas.
Only one thing has stopped the canine conspirators from rising up en masse to murder all bipeds: the game of fetch. Dogs love to chase tennis balls, but they can't do so without a human to throw for them.
Unfortunately, some idiot has just invented GoDogGo, an automatic ball-throwing machine for pets. As shown at www.seegodoggo.com, the device holds more than a dozen tennis balls and features an adjustable fetch range of 15 to 35 feet.
In other words, humans are now expendable and an animal revolt could be imminent. Compounding the problem, Reuters reports that another company is manufacturing bulletproof body armor for canines.>
In theory, the vests are meant only for police dogs, but they're bound to fall into the wrong hands. And once the animals take over, they'll systematically destroy everything that humans hold dear. For example, all calendars will be converted to dog years, which means the year 2000 will become 14000 A.D.
Also, 75% of all tax dollars will go toward installing fire hydrants in previously off-limits locations such as the Oval Office, the Louvre and the moon. The remaining money will be spent on researching where that miniature chuckwagon goes after it disappears into the kitchen cabinet. And all vehicles will be retrofitted into convertibles, so that dogs no longer have to risk possible back strain from leaning out car windows to feel the wind blow in their faces.
Celebrity Birthdays: Richard Simmons, Julius Caesar and the Etch A Sketch were all born July 12. Simmons is 52, Caesar would be 2,100 (or 14,700 if he were a dog) and the Etch A Sketch is 40.
Bonus factoid: The most expensive Etch A Sketch was a 1985 model made out of walnut, sterling silver, sapphires and topaz. It sold for $3,750.
Alarming Trends Bureau: A new board game based on the show "Survivor" will be unveiled by Mattel this fall. Can a home version of "Big Brother" be far behind, complete with a bathroom video camera that sends live footage to the Jumbotron TV in New York's Times Square?
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: Don't just take our word for it that animals are plotting a revolt. No less an authority than the Weekly World News has chronicled their diabolical behavior in several recent headlines: "Jealous Cow Kills Farmer's Bride," "Chimps Are Sleazebags Who Lie and Cheat," "Dead Sea Squirrels Are Eating Up Christianity's Greatest Documents" and "Woman is Humiliated After Parrot Mimics Her Gas Attacks!"
Unpaid Informants: Baird Jones, Washington Post, Associated Press, Wireless Flash News Service, Susanna Timmons, Allison Joyce.Copyright © 14000 (using the dog-year calendar) by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate