Orbiting Clothes Bureau: America's space program is in a heap of trouble. In addition to misplacing several Mars landing craft, we're now losing the space fashion race. According to the London Times, Russia's space program has asked Donatella Versace to design its new spacesuits.

That means cosmonauts will soon be exploring the universe in sleek, crystal-embroidered tunics that project an aura of lustrous sexuality, while American astronauts clunk around in their traditional "modified Michelin tire man" ensembles.

Clearly, this is a national disgrace. The blame goes back to President John F. Kennedy, who was so paranoid about beating the Russians to the moon that he neglected to have NASA devote any energy to astronaut couture. Sadly, modern politicians are just as ignorant, with the possible exception of Jesse Ventura, who wore some fabulous outfits as a professional wrestler.

Father, Son and Deputy Sheriff: A Methodist church in Alabama is starting a Bible study based on "The Andy Griffith Show."

Lesson one: Goober, Barney Fife and Floyd the Barber as the new Three Wise Men.

If Guns Are Outlawed, Only Dogs Will Have Guns: As you know, dogs and other animals have been plotting for some time to overthrow the human race.

In recent years, they've shot their owners with rifles, run them over with cars and even blown entire houses to smithereens by "accidentally" turning on the gas.

Only one thing has stopped the canine conspirators from rising up en masse to murder all bipeds: the game of fetch. Dogs love to chase tennis balls, but they can't do so without a human to throw for them.

Unfortunately, some idiot has just invented GoDogGo, an automatic ball-throwing machine for pets. As shown at www.seegodoggo.com, the device holds more than a dozen tennis balls and features an adjustable fetch range of 15 to 35 feet.

In other words, humans are now expendable and an animal revolt could be imminent. Compounding the problem, Reuters reports that another company is manufacturing bulletproof body armor for canines.