|July 18, 2001
|By Roy Rivenburg
|Grand Finales Bureau: People have
been predicting the end of the world since the beginning
of time. Usually theyre wrong, but occasionally
someone hits a bulls-eye. For example, the Jehovahs
Witnesses correctly predicted that Armageddon would
commence in 1914, 1925 and 1975.
Most historians now agree that Gerald Ford lost the 1976 presidential election not because he pardoned Richard Nixon for Watergate, but because voters were upset about his failure to prevent the world from ending in 1975. Fortunately, everything was quickly rebuilt. But prophecies of doom have remained popular. Today, thanks to author Tim LaHayes bestselling Left Behind novels, people are once again wondering about the end times.
Here at Off-Kilter, the question we most often get asked (aside from Why are you in the womens restroom again, pervert?) is, When will the world go belly-up? We are sorry to report that the answer is any day now. According to biblical prophecy, a series of disturbing signs will occur shortly before Armageddon. And were pretty sure the following news items meet the criteria:
-- A New York couple is scheduled to marry aboard the sunken ruins of the Titanic. According to Reuters news service, the pair will exchange vows in a mini-submarine that dives 2.5 miles beneath the Atlantic and comes to a rest atop the bow where actor Leonardo DiCaprio would have uttered his king of the world speech in the movie version of the disaster. No word on where the honeymoon will be, but we predict Love Canal, Chernobyl, the Texas School Book Depository or My Lai.
-- A dog in the town of Darwin, Australia, has been accused of arson because it dragged a flaming log from a campfire to the veranda of its masters house. Did we mention that this happened in a town called Darwin? As in survival of the fittest. Wake up and smell the puppy chow, people. Animals are taking over the planet. It doesnt help that Hammacher Schlemmers new catalog offers a dog doorbell. Now, canine Jehovahs Witnesses can go door-to-door recruiting other mutts for their animal Armageddon. In related news, the TV show Ripleys Believe It or Not recently featured a scuba-diving dog. No doubt, the canine Lloyd Bridges is plotting to sabotage the Titanic wedding.
-- Finally, in the surest sign of impending apocalypse, Cambridge University has announced it will base part of its English final exam on lyrics by the Bee Gees.
Quote of the Week: Americans want to have fun and sip tropical coolers in the hot sun, but they also want to speak to their relatives in the afterlife -- from a press release for a psychic Caribbean cruise in which mediums hold seances to help passengers contact the dead.
Lunatic Fringe Bureau: An animal communicator from Colorado claims that inaudible noises made by elephants and whales are keeping the planets gravitational pull intact. Oh, come on! Everyone knows that gravity has nothing to do with elephant and whale sounds. As Newton and Einstein proved, gravity is caused by telepathic commands from beavers and marmots.
Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: The brain of a lobster is in its throat; and its kidneys are in its head, all of which makes it difficult to use the restroom.
Immigration Blues: A look at President Bush's plan to deal with a hot-button issue, excerpted from Roy Rivenburg's July 18 Los Angeles Times article:
The White House is having trouble making
up its mind about immigration. Last week at Ellis Island,
President Bush called for treating immigrants with
openness and courtesy. This week,
he admitted he was referring only to Arnold
Schwarzenegger, Henry Kissinger and that Fabio guy.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg