July 26, 2000
Hey Rocky, Watch Me Pull
By Roy Rivenburg
Box-Office Duds: This summer's movie season has been a disaster for Hollywood film studios. One of the biggest flops is "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle," which might have fared better if the director had listened to our advice and cast Sylvester Stallone as Rocky.
The studios also ignored our proposals for several other summer flicks:
Off-Kilter also recommends three other titles, which were suggested by the Portland Oregonian's humor column, the Edge:
Television Coverup: We can't believe the major TV networks are skipping gavel-to-gavel coverage of next week's big convention. No, we don't mean the Republican shindig in Philadelphia. That's a snoozer.
We're talking about the American Association for Nude Recreation's convention in California's Anza-Borrego Desert. According to Wireless Flash News Service, the eight-day event will feature nude fire-walking, nude stargazing (bring your own full moon), nude coyote-calling contests and a nude pinata party.
Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: The Statue of Liberty's fingernails weigh approximately 100 pounds apiece.
Political Nutcase Bureau: Here at Off-Kilter, we want to do our part to combat voter apathy, which is why we're reminding people that one of the benefits of living in a democracy is that average citizens get to have a real say in how things are run. Your vote and your opinion truly do matter.
Well, except with Congress or the president because they're all bought off by special interest groups. And not with corporations, because they're all multinationals with no allegiance to anyone but stockholders.
But still, you can have influence over matters of great public import. For example, how to pronounce the word "pecan." Is it pi-KAWN or pe-CAN? The National Pecan Shellers Association is bitterly divided on the issue, so it's seeking the public's help. Log on to the association's website, www.ilovepecans.org , and cast your vote.
Whichever pronunciation garners the most ballots will be adopted as the official standard by pecan producers. Because this is America and your opinion counts.
Alarming Trends Bureau: A New York company is introducing a line of flavored lip balms based on the band 'N Sync. Justin Timberlake's flavor will be vanilla.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "Using a Hula-Hoop Can Get You Abducted by Aliens!'' (Weekly World News)
Unpaid Informants: Susanna Timmons, "Uncle John's Absolutely Absorbing Bathroom Reader."Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate