When Im Sixty-Four:
Now that the generation which sang, Hope I
die before I get old is actually getting old,
can it still relate to the rock songs of its youth? Or is
time to change the lyrics of such Baby Boomer classics as
I Can See for Miles to
I can still see for miles, thanks to Lasik
eye surgery, but I cant focus on anything close up?
In an effort to better reflect the lifestyles of aging
listeners, several big-name rock acts have begun updating
their past hits. For example, the Beatles have released a
new greatest hits collection targeted at elderly boomers.
The songs include: With a Little Help from
Depends, Lucy in the Sky with
Dentures, Ive Just Seen a
Face-Lift, Drive My Car (Because
the DMV Revoked My License), Happiness
is a Warm Bedpan, I Feel Fine (Except
for Some Lower Back Pain) and Help!
Ive Fallen and I Cant Get Up!
In a similar vein, Steely Dan just recorded Rikki
Dont Lose That Walker. And Lynyrd
Skynyrd is reworking Free Bird
into Early Bird, a live tribute
to discount meals for seniors.
The Rolling Stones have also retooled several hits,
according to Chris Willman of Entertainment Weekly. The
new tunes include: Angie-oplasty,
Sympathy for Wilford Brimley,
You Cant Always Pee When You Want,
Lets Spend Our Remaining Time Together,
Its Only Rock n Roll (But I Cant
Hear It), Ex-Lax on Main Street,
6 p.m. Rambler, Jumpin
Jack Benny, Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Pacemaker)
and Dye It Black (sample lyric:
I see a gray hair and I want to dye it black).
Godzilla on Rye: Does Godzilla meat
taste like chicken? Well find out soon because a
Japanese toy company has announced plans to sell canned
Godzilla Meat this fall. The
Takara Co. will also market Rodan in a can and Godzilla
eggs (which are actually quail eggs).
People can eat Godzilla and become energetic
and powerful, a company spokeswoman told the
Associated Press. No word on whether Takara plans to
introduce a Jell-O dessert called The Blob.
Is Naked Drivers Ed Next?: Summer
school isnt what it used to be. In Kissimmee, Fla.,
instructors from the American Association for Nude
Recreation are offering Nude U.,
a training program designed to educate,
inspire and train future nudist leaders to serve as nude
Greeting Card of the Month: From
American Greetings, the cover photo shows a thicket of
trees and underbrush. The inside message reads:
Happy Fathers Day from all your golf
Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: The lyre bird
of Australia can mimic the sounds of a buzzing chain saw,
a roaring motorcycle and the clicking and whirring of a
Mark Your Calendars: June 22 is Take
Your Dog to Work Day.
Weird Polls Bureau: One in five
Americans says the celebrity who most reminds them of
their father is Albert Einstein, according to a survey by
Priority Club Worldwide. Twelve percent chose Jimmy
Supermarket Tabloid Story of the Week:
Although former Attorney General Janet Reno hasnt
formally announced whether shell run for governor
of Florida against Jeb Bush, shes already locked up
a key endorsement: the Weekly World News. The tabloid
says Reno would make a fine governor because when
those college kids up at Daytona Beach go crazy on spring
break and start tearing down motels, getting drunk and
taking their clothes off, big Janet wouldnt sit
around like nervous-Nellie Jeb. Shed send in the
tanks and troops with flamethrowers and tear gas just
like she did at the Branch Davidian compound in Waco,
Unpaid Informants: Susan
Isaacs, Wireless Flash News Service, AP.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators