When I’m Sixty-Four:
Now that the generation which sang, ‘‘Hope I
die before I get old’’ is actually getting old,
can it still relate to the rock songs of its youth? Or is
time to change the lyrics of such Baby Boomer classics as
‘‘I Can See for Miles’’ to
‘‘I can still see for miles, thanks to Lasik
eye surgery, but I can’t focus on anything close up’’?
In an effort to better reflect the lifestyles of aging
listeners, several big-name rock acts have begun updating
their past hits. For example, the Beatles have released a
new greatest hits collection targeted at elderly boomers.
The songs include: ‘‘With a Little Help from
Depends,’’ ‘‘Lucy in the Sky with
Dentures,’’ ‘‘I’ve Just Seen a
Face-Lift,’’ ‘‘Drive My Car (Because
the DMV Revoked My License),’’ ‘‘Happiness
is a Warm Bedpan,’’ ‘‘I Feel Fine (Except
for Some Lower Back Pain)’’ and ‘‘Help!
I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!’’
In a similar vein, Steely Dan just recorded ‘‘Rikki
Don’t Lose That Walker.’’ And Lynyrd
Skynyrd is reworking ‘‘Free Bird’’
into ‘‘Early Bird,’’ a live tribute
to discount meals for seniors.
The Rolling Stones have also retooled several hits,
according to Chris Willman of Entertainment Weekly. The
new tunes include: ‘‘Angie-oplasty,’’
‘‘Sympathy for Wilford Brimley,’’
‘‘You Can’t Always Pee When You Want,’’
‘‘Let’s Spend Our Remaining Time Together,’’
‘‘It’s Only Rock ’n Roll (But I Can’t
Hear It),’’ ‘‘Ex-Lax on Main Street,’’
‘‘6 p.m. Rambler,’’ ‘‘Jumpin’
Jack Benny,’’ ‘‘Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Pacemaker)’’
and ‘‘Dye It Black’’ (sample lyric:
‘‘I see a gray hair and I want to dye it black’’).
Godzilla on Rye: Does Godzilla meat
taste like chicken? We’ll find out soon because a
Japanese toy company has announced plans to sell canned
‘‘Godzilla Meat’’ this fall. The
Takara Co. will also market Rodan in a can and Godzilla
eggs (which are actually quail eggs).
‘‘People can eat Godzilla and become energetic
and powerful,’’ a company spokeswoman told the
Associated Press. No word on whether Takara plans to
introduce a Jell-O dessert called ‘‘The Blob.’’
Is Naked Driver’s Ed Next?: Summer
school isn’t what it used to be. In Kissimmee, Fla.,
instructors from the American Association for Nude
Recreation are offering ‘‘Nude U.,’’
a training program designed to ‘‘educate,
inspire and train future nudist leaders to serve as nude
recreation ambassadors.’’
Greeting Card of the Month: From
American Greetings, the cover photo shows a thicket of
trees and underbrush. The inside message reads:
‘‘Happy Father’s Day from all your golf
balls.’’
Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: The lyre bird
of Australia can mimic the sounds of a buzzing chain saw,
a roaring motorcycle and the clicking and whirring of a
camera.
Mark Your Calendars: June 22 is Take
Your Dog to Work Day.
Weird Polls Bureau: One in five
Americans says the celebrity who most reminds them of
their father is Albert Einstein, according to a survey by
Priority Club Worldwide. Twelve percent chose Jimmy
Buffett.
Supermarket Tabloid Story of the Week:
Although former Attorney General Janet Reno hasn’t
formally announced whether she’ll run for governor
of Florida against Jeb Bush, she’s already locked up
a key endorsement: the Weekly World News. The tabloid
says Reno would make a fine governor because ‘‘when
those college kids up at Daytona Beach go crazy on spring
break and start tearing down motels, getting drunk and
taking their clothes off, big Janet wouldn’t sit
around like nervous-Nellie Jeb. She’d send in the
tanks and troops with flamethrowers and tear gas just
like she did at the Branch Davidian compound in Waco,
Texas.’’
Unpaid Informants: Susan
Isaacs, Wireless Flash News Service, AP.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
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