June 13, 2001

`I Wish They All Could Be
Medi-California Girls'

By Roy Rivenburg

When I’m Sixty-Four: Now that the generation which sang, ‘‘Hope I die before I get old’’ is actually getting old, can it still relate to the rock songs of its youth? Or is time to change the lyrics of such Baby Boomer classics as ‘‘I Can See for Miles’’ to ‘‘I can still see for miles, thanks to Lasik eye surgery, but I can’t focus on anything close up’’?

In an effort to better reflect the lifestyles of aging listeners, several big-name rock acts have begun updating their past hits. For example, the Beatles have released a new greatest hits collection targeted at elderly boomers. The songs include: ‘‘With a Little Help from Depends,’’ ‘‘Lucy in the Sky with Dentures,’’ ‘‘I’ve Just Seen a Face-Lift,’’ ‘‘Drive My Car (Because the DMV Revoked My License),’’ ‘‘Happiness is a Warm Bedpan,’’ ‘‘I Feel Fine (Except for Some Lower Back Pain)’’ and ‘‘Help! I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!’’

In a similar vein, Steely Dan just recorded ‘‘Rikki Don’t Lose That Walker.’’ And Lynyrd Skynyrd is reworking ‘‘Free Bird’’ into ‘‘Early Bird,’’ a live tribute to discount meals for seniors.

The Rolling Stones have also retooled several hits, according to Chris Willman of Entertainment Weekly. The new tunes include: ‘‘Angie-oplasty,’’ ‘‘Sympathy for Wilford Brimley,’’ ‘‘You Can’t Always Pee When You Want,’’ ‘‘Let’s Spend Our Remaining Time Together,’’ ‘‘It’s Only Rock ’n Roll (But I Can’t Hear It),’’ ‘‘Ex-Lax on Main Street,’’ ‘‘6 p.m. Rambler,’’ ‘‘Jumpin’ Jack Benny,’’ ‘‘Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Pacemaker)’’ and ‘‘Dye It Black’’ (sample lyric: ‘‘I see a gray hair and I want to dye it black’’).

Godzilla on Rye: Does Godzilla meat taste like chicken? We’ll find out soon because a Japanese toy company has announced plans to sell canned ‘‘Godzilla Meat’’ this fall. The Takara Co. will also market Rodan in a can and Godzilla eggs (which are actually quail eggs).

‘‘People can eat Godzilla and become energetic and powerful,’’ a company spokeswoman told the Associated Press. No word on whether Takara plans to introduce a Jell-O dessert called ‘‘The Blob.’’

Is Naked Driver’s Ed Next?: Summer school isn’t what it used to be. In Kissimmee, Fla., instructors from the American Association for Nude Recreation are offering ‘‘Nude U.,’’ a training program designed to ‘‘educate, inspire and train future nudist leaders to serve as nude recreation ambassadors.’’

Greeting Card of the Month: From American Greetings, the cover photo shows a thicket of trees and underbrush. The inside message reads: ‘‘Happy Father’s Day from all your golf balls.’’

Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: The lyre bird of Australia can mimic the sounds of a buzzing chain saw, a roaring motorcycle and the clicking and whirring of a camera.

Mark Your Calendars: June 22 is Take Your Dog to Work Day.

Weird Polls Bureau: One in five Americans says the celebrity who most reminds them of their father is Albert Einstein, according to a survey by Priority Club Worldwide. Twelve percent chose Jimmy Buffett.

Supermarket Tabloid Story of the Week: Although former Attorney General Janet Reno hasn’t formally announced whether she’ll run for governor of Florida against Jeb Bush, she’s already locked up a key endorsement: the Weekly World News. The tabloid says Reno would make a fine governor because ‘‘when those college kids up at Daytona Beach go crazy on spring break and start tearing down motels, getting drunk and taking their clothes off, big Janet wouldn’t sit around like nervous-Nellie Jeb. She’d send in the tanks and troops with flamethrowers and tear gas just like she did at the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas.’’

Unpaid Informants: Susan Isaacs, Wireless Flash News Service, AP.

Copyright 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by
Creators Syndicate