|June 19, 2002
|By Roy Rivenburg
|Kevorkian Mentor Bureau: After
centuries of avoiding the press, Death is now granting
interviews right and left to promote his new
autobiography, Im OK, Youre DOA.
Dressed in a hooded brocade robe (with a Ralph Lauren
polo emblem on the breast pocket) and carrying a Ginsu
scythe, the Grim Reaper recently spoke to Off-Kilter.
Question: Mr. Reaper ...
Answer: Please! Call me Grim.
Q: OK, Grim, your memoirs hint at an unhappy childhood. Can you tell us a little about it?
A: Well, until I discovered my gift, I constantly got picked on and beat up. But after that, I was treated with respect. I was elected class president, helped edit the school newspaper and was voted most likely to slaughter millions of innocent humans.
Q: Do you like your job?
A: Its a living.
Q: But dont you have trouble sleeping at night, knowing all the pain and suffering you cause?
A: Look, I am sick and tired of everyone blubbering about all the poor dead people and their poor grieving relatives. Does anybody ever consider MY feelings? Noooooo. Its always about the victims.
Q: How are you able to kill so many people simultaneously?
A: Its similar to the way Santa Claus delivers presents to the entire world in a single night.
Q: You have reindeer and a sleigh?
A: No, just a technique I picked up by reading The Complete Idiots Guide to Mortality.
Q: Where do you live?
A: Basically, Im on the road a lot, although Ive been thinking about getting a place in India or Pakistan.
Q: What are you reading these days?
A: Chicken Soup for the Homicidal Maniacs Soul. It has some really heartwarming stories.
Q: Any hobbies?
A: I like country music a lot. And crocheting. But I spend most of my spare time the way other guys do -- tinkering in the garage, channel-surfing and developing penicillin-resistant viruses.
Q: Hows your love life?
A: Sadly, I have trouble getting dates, even though people tell me Im a real lady-killer.
Q: Has your job changed over the years?
A: Theres a lot more paperwork today. Before, I could kill indiscriminately, no questions asked. But now I have to get permits, fill out forms for God and Satan, etc. Its a wonder I get anything done.
Q: What was your toughest assignment?
A: Dallas, 1963. Oswald was such a bad shot. You wouldnt believe the way I had to make that bullet dance to pull it off.
Q: Is that your proudest accomplishment?
A: No, that would be the plague. It was a real breakthrough for me.
Q: Have you ever blown an assignment?
A: Very rarely. Lazarus and Jesus, of course. And Elvis. I actually had Presley in custody, but someone in legal found a typo in the paperwork and we had to release him. My secretary had misspelled his middle name as Aron instead of Aaron. So he went into hiding. But I follow the supermarket tabloids, so Ill find him.
Q: Whats your salary?
A: I could tell you, but Id have to kill you.
Alarming Trends Bureau: The maker of Dreyers and Edys brand ice cream has introduced a Scooby-Doo-flavored ice cream.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: Rich Wacko Uses Dead Dwarf as Hood Ornament! (Weekly World News)
Bonus headline, also from WWN: Jimmy Hoffa Found -- In Elvis Grave!
Unpaid Informants: Ann Harrison, Susanna Timmons, PR Newswire.
Copyright © 2002 by Roy Rivenburg
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