Get Off Of My Trout:
Whats the best bait for fishing? Possibly Mick
Jagger. According to Boating magazine, charter fishermen
who broadcast the Rolling Stones or ZZ Top over a
loudspeaker say it attracts fish like a magnet. However,
undersea creatures flee Alanis Morissette, Paula Cole or
Dionne Warwick, the magazine says.
Tangled Up in Blue Hair: Some readers
thought we were joking last week when we said rock acts
from the 1960s and 70s have begun updating their
lyrics for aging baby boomers (for example, Eric Clapton
recently transformed Cocaine into
Rogaine). Now comes the next
logical step: music coffins. Heavy metal band KISS just
introduced caskets emblazoned with a photo mural of the
group. Manufactured by a Texas company called WhiteLight,
the $4,500 coffins are the ultimate gift for fans who
want to rock and roll all eternity. According to Kissonline.com, the waterproof
caskets also make excellent beer coolers.
You Are How You Shave: Men who use blade
razors are four times more likely to put the toilet seat
down after going to the bathroom than men who use
electric razors, according to a survey by the Kaplan
Thaler Group, which apparently has run out of issues to
poll people about.
Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: When ancient
Egyptians took an oath, they placed their right hand on
an onion, according to Trivia Time. The round shape was
believed to represent eternity.
As Ye Sow, So Shall Ye Rope: What do
Chicken Soup for the Soul books
have in common with the Bible? Both have been customized
for nearly every specialty audience imaginable. Titles
include Chicken Soup for the Sumo Wrestlers
Soul, The Embezzlers Study
Bible and Soup Chicken the for
We swear on a stack of onions those titles are real. Well,
maybe real isnt the best
word. But the point is, niche marketing is out of control.
One of the latest examples comes from the International
Bible Society, which also publishes scriptures for bikers,
truckers and soldiers (the latter featuring desert
camouflage or woodland camouflage covers). The new book
is a cowboy Bible, small enough to fit in a saddlebag or
boot, and filled with cowboy poems, prayers and photos.
To which we say: Its about time. Or, as the Lord
himself once remarked, Verily, verily, I say
unto you: Yeeeee-haw!
Public Relations Blunder Bureau: Captain
Ds, a Tennessee-based restaurant chain, issued a
press release headlined, Captain Ds
Delivers Water to Flood Victims. Next up:
Captain Ds Delivers Matches to Arson
Mystery Cereal Bureau: As part of its
ongoing commitment to bring fun to breakfast,
Kellogg has created Atlantis the Lost Empire
toasted oat cereal. When you add milk, a chocolate
Atlantis alphabet appears.
Still to come: Sugar-Frosted Jimmy Hoffa the
Lost Teamster cereal.
Quote of the Week: From an ad for Dog
Sack, a zippered nylon bag that encloses everything but
your pets head when transporting the animal by car.
Bag that wet, muddy, dirty, sandy, cold,
snowball-encrusted, shedding, incontinent, skunky, skanky
EuroBush: The inside dope on George
W. Bushs Europe trip, excerpted from a story by Roy
Rivenburg and Martin Miller in the June 15 Los Angeles
So much for predictions that President Bushs trip
to Europe (code-named Europe on $2.5 Million
a Day) would be disrupted by gaffes, protests
and other disasters. In reality, the voyage went
magnificently. Ha ha, just kidding, of course:
--Arriving in Madrid, Bush wins over a skeptical Spanish
crowd by mispronouncing Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznars
last name as Anzar and later,
Babar. His hosts respond by
graciously sending Bush on a private walking tour of
Pamplona wearing a special, honorary red cape.
--Elsewhere in Spain, angry mobs fill the streets,
denouncing Bushs pro-death penalty stance and his
support for trade sanctions against Iraq. Some shout:
We miss Clinton, who approved the execution
of a mentally incapacitated man in Arkansas and also
endorsed Iraq sanctions. Er, wait, that didnt come
out right. But we still think Bush is a jerk.
--In Belgium, Bush commends the nation for its
valuable contributions to waffle science.
--Moving to placate his NATO critics, Bush relies on his
trademark method of bestowing humorous nicknames. He
endears himself to the Europeans by calling Germanys
chancellor Hitler Jr. and French
President Jacques Chirac Jacques Cousteau.
Later, during a side trip to Paris, he ingratiates
himself to the French by telling Chirac: Hey,
your Eiffel Tower looks just like the one in Vegas!
--After the NATO session, Bush fulfills a college fantasy
by visiting Munichs famed Hofbrau Haus, where he
sits in with the oompah band and delivers a teary
farewell that concludes: Ich bin ein stein of
Budweiser! He also buys a souvenir T-shirt
for daughter Jenna that says, My dad went to
Germanys best beer hall and all I got was this
--In Stockholm, Bush praises Sweden for its myriad
contributions to world peace, including Abba, Swedish
meatballs and stylish but cheaply made Ikea furniture.
He adds: You Swedes also make excellent Swiss
--Traveling through Austria, Bush tells local dignitaries:
Im a huge fan of your Crocodile Dundee
--Later, hoping to soften his image as a Texas yahoo,
Bush demonstrates his love of nature by hiking the
Austrian Alps. Luckily, he remembers his shotgun and bags
a mountain goat, a wild boar and several members of the
Von Trapp family.
--Landing in Warsaw, the president warms up the crowd
with his down-home sense of humor. How many
Poles does it take to screw in a thousand points of light?
--Meanwhile, in Holland, more anti-death penalty protests
erupt. We believe in the sanctity of all
human life, demonstrators yell. Well,
unless it involves our legalized euthanasia program.
Elsewhere, thousands of British demonstrators gather in
London to lambaste Bush for being a big, dumb
American. After the protest, the crowd tanks
up on pints of dark ale and heads to a nearby soccer
match where they beat the living daylights out of each
--If its Tuesday, this must be Slovenia. While
visiting the city of Ljubljana, Bush stuns audiences with
his perfect pronunciation of Slovenian towns and name. He
later explains that Slavic words are easier for him to
pronounce because they dont got as many
of them pesky vowels to deal with.
--Bush visits Berlin, a city teetering on bankruptcy
largely because it inherited the problems of East Berlin
and declares: Mr. Putin, please put the wall
--Russian President Vladimir Putin responds by inviting
Bush to a special behind-the-scenes tour of a local zoo.
Accompanied by Sharon Stone, the Russian president urges
Bush to remove his white tennis shoes, roll around in
bacon fat and carry a 5-pound porterhouse steak into the
cage of a Russian brown bear.
--Lobbying for his missile defense shield plan, Bush
tells European leaders the shield will also protect
against global warming. If greenhouse gases
build up, well use the missiles to blow a few holes
in the ozone layer so the gases can escape to outer space.
--In a fitting postscript to his European tour, Bush
flies to Kyoto, Japan, where he attempts to renegotiate
the global warming treaty. He argues that more research
is needed to back scientific claims of the Green
Acres effect, and makes an additional call
for more studies to prove tobacco is a carcinogen, Elvis
is dead and the world is round. He finishes the visit by
throwing up on the Japanese prime minister. Thats
my boy, says George Bush, the elder.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week:
Injured Logger Gets New Hand -- and It
Strangles Him to Death! (Weekly World News)
Police arent sure how to handle the case.
It wasnt a suicide, because we know the
victim put up a desperate fight for his life,
one officer said. It was clearly murder --
but who do we charge?
Wireless Flash News Service, U.S. Catholic, PR Newswire.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators