Straight to Video Bureau:
Its time for another sneak peek at upcoming movie
-- Moulin Stooge. Nicole
Kidman falls in love with Moe, Larry and Curly in turn-of-the-century
Paris. Dont miss the surreal pie fight sequence.
-- James Earl Joness Diary.
Renee Zellweger, who gained 20 pounds for her role as
Bridget Jones, outdoes herself for this wacky comedy by
gaining 170 pounds and undergoing a sex-change operation
to portray a deep-voiced black man looking for love.
-- Seals & Crofts: Tomb Raiders.
A washed-up 1970s pop duo saves the world from doom.
Rated R for violence, nudity and the repeated singing of
-- Pearl Barber. A
translation error causes Japanese pilots to bomb a
Hawaiian hair salon in December 1941. But thats
just incidental to a steamy love triangle involving Ben
Affleck, Kate Beckinsale and Howard McNear, who played
Floyd the Barber on The Andy Griffith Show.
-- Pimiento. A taut
psychological thriller about a man who cant
remember whether he likes pimiento loaf.
-- Star Shrek. Subbing
for Kirk and Spock, an ogre and his pointy-eared sidekick,
Donkey, boldly go where no computer-animated characters
have gone before.
In other sequel news, Groundhog Day
screenwriter Danny Rubin was asked if there would ever be
a sequel to his film. He replied: I already
figured out what it would be. Wed give it a name
like Groundhog Day II: Return to Punxsutawney.
The rest of the movie would be identical [to the original];
wed just re-release it.
Possum Fettucine?: We know how much our
readers love gourmet food, which is why weve
previously written about such topics as a cookbook for
Bigfoot and a chefs advice to cannibals on which
wines go best with human flesh. Now, we have two new
culinary breakthroughs to report.
Actor Max Baer Jr., who played Jethro on The
Beverly Hillbillies, is developing a line of
products based on the TV show. The possible items include
Jethro-brand pork sausage, Granny Clampetts white
lightning liquor and Elly May donuts.
Or, if you prefer cuisine thats out of this world, TheSpaceStore.com
is selling authentic astronaut food. The vacuum-packed
meals, which have a five-year shelf life, include freeze-dried
meatloaf, French fries, chicken fajitas and cherry
blueberry cobbler. Theres also a line of cosmonaut
food featuring peas in cream sauce and vegetable soup
puree. Yum! Sounds perfect for school cafeterias.
Mark Your Calendars: The American
Lawyers Public Image Association has designated Nov. 2 as
National I Love My Lawyer Day. Unless, of course, a rival
lawyers group sues to reschedule the observance.
And What if Saddam Finds Out?: We dont
want to say that scientists are running out of important
things to research, but who came up with this equation (recently
reported in Bizarre News): If someone broke wind nonstop
for six years and nine months, he or she would produce
enough gas to equal the energy of an atomic bomb.
Alarming Trends Bureau: Shaquille ONeal
has been hired to design a car for Ford and a line of
watches for Swatch.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week:
Aristotles Guide to Picking Up Chicks!
(Weekly World News)
Bonus headline, also from WWN: Charles
Bronsons Brain is for Sale!
Unpaid Informants: www.punxsutawneyphil.com,
Wireless Flash News Service, internetwire.com.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators