No More Money to Burn: Why
are critics of President Bushs tax cut plan
bemoaning the fact that most of the moola goes to the
rich? Dont they appreciate the burdens faced by
billionaires? According to the Moet & Chandon Index,
which tracks the price of luxury items, the cost of
living for the well-heeled has risen a staggering 3.7
percent in the past year.
For example, a 12-day cruise in the Baltic has shot up
from a modest $23,145 to $24,295. And a matched set of
monogrammed Louis Vuitton luggage that sold for $4,010 a
year ago now costs $4,140. Sacre bleu!
But wait, it gets worse. Caviar has jumped to $95 an
ounce, an increase of 27 percent over last year. And a
bottle of Hennessy cognac that retailed for $120 now goes
for an unconscionable $130.
We cant even make fun of the trend because the cost
of laughing is also soaring into the stratosphere.
According to Malcolm Kushners Comedy Index, which
tracks the value of 16 leading humor indicators, the cost
of a good guffaw has jumped 3 percent since last year.
The charge for sending a dancing-chicken
singing telegram climbed from $75 to $85. And
a TV sitcom script that sold for $12,615 in 2000 now
commands $13,025 (probably more after the writers
strike). The only saving grace is the cost of rubber
chickens, which dropped from $60 per dozen to $48.
Alarming Trends Bureau: God is
everywhere and so is Starbucks, which may explain why a
Munster, Ind., church recently opened the worlds
first Starbucks franchise inside a house of worship. Now,
after a hard day of throwing the money changers out of
the temple, Jesus can order a relaxing Grande Easy
Vanilla Nonfat Caramel Macchiato.
Hologram Office Party Bureau: Modern
science is so amazing. In the latest breakthrough,
researchers have announced that the office of the future
will be -- brace yourself -- pretty much like the office
of today. However, instead of sharing cubicles with live
human beings, future workers will experience the
immersive Internet, a 3-D computerized
environment that duplicates all the sensory stimuli of
sitting next to real co-workers.
Yes, its quite an advance. For example, if youve
been worrying that telecommuting will prevent you from
enjoying the aroma of that special deskmate who doesnt
bathe regularly, dont sweat it.
Scientists are also developing a device that mimics the
sense of touch. Although aimed at online museums and
stores (which could allow visitors to feel
the shape of a Greek urn or the texture of a fur coat),
the device holds more promise for the virtual office.
By enabling lecherous bosses to pinch an employees
butt digitally, the device helps preserve the time-honored
tradition of workplace sexual harassment.
Best Skin Flick Award: A Beverly Hills
dermatologist says he will polish away skin lines, liver
spots and sun damage from the necks and chests of 400
Oscar attendees this year using a jet of chromium-coated
polishing crystals. The effect lasts three weeks.
Anti-Oscar Bureau: John Travoltas
Battlefield Earth has been voted
worst film of the 20th century by the Hastings
Bad Cinema Society. Runners-up in
the 100 Years, 100 Stinkers derby
included Howard the Duck,
The Avengers and Stop
or My Mom Will Shoot. The worst actors of the
era were Steven Seagal and Pia Zadora.
We thought worst actor honors shouldve gone to O.J.
Simpson for his role in Searching for the
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: 14
Great Ways to Turn Yourself Into a Werewolf!
(Weekly World News)
Wireless Flash News Service, Boston Globe, Mark Kellner,
Los Angeles Times.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators