March 28, 2001



If They Only Had a Brain

By Roy Rivenburg

Empty Heads Bureau: For years, psychologists have labored in vain to understand the workings of the human brain. Unfortunately, this research was based on the premise that every person HAS a brain. Evidence is mounting that such is not the case. For example:

-- Actor Lorenzo Lamas says demons are stealing his socks, according to Wireless Flash News.
-- Russia is sending spies to the U.S. to pilfer Col. Sanders’ chicken recipe, says a new book. (Apparently FBI spy Robert Hanssen gave Russia all the military secrets it needs, so this is what’s left.)
-- PetsMart stores now sell Harley-Davidson hats and jackets for dogs.
-- Actress Leelee Sobieski has decided to try her hand at poetry. Sample verse: ‘‘Yelling slowly/She walked around/Sound emitting from her kidneys/Painful noises/Without baby tremors/His name could have been Troy/Not the horseman, what?’’
-- 27 percent of Americans aren’t happy unless their lawn is greener than the neighbors’ yard, according to a survey by Sears.com.
-- Hollywood has unveiled an Animal Actors Walk of Fame. The first inductees were Babe the pig and Jinx the cat from ‘‘Meet the Parents.’’ Inexplicably, the walk ignores Dino Flintstone, Mr. Ed, Toonces the driving cat, Spot from ‘‘The Munsters,’’ King Kong and the ‘‘Caddyshack’’ gopher. (Any animals we’ve left out?)

Prurient Interest Press: One of the hottest new books this spring will be ‘‘Modern Tactics in Higher Education.’’ As you probably guessed from the title, it’s all about sex. In an attempt to keep curious kids from reading the book when parents aren’t home, it comes with a reversible dust jacket to hide the real title: ‘‘Married Lust: An Explicit Guide to Keeping Passion Alive After Tying the Knot.’’

Final Frontier Bureau: New York’s Hayden Planetarium recently underwent a facelift and reopened with exhibits dedicated to Abbie Hoffman, Jerry Rubin and the rest of the Chicago Seven. No wait, that’s the TOM Hayden Planetarium. New York’s Hayden features giant planets, a new space show and a space quiz. However, the answers to the quiz are dull, so we suggest some alternatives:

Question: What is the term for a vast interstellar cloud of gas and dust?
New Answer: Rush Limbaugh.

Question: What is a bottomless pit in the fabric of space?
New Answer: Fox-TV’s reality programming.

Question: What do you call the catastrophic explosion of a massive star?
New Answer: Robert Downey Jr.
(The original answers are nebula, black hole and supernova, respectively.)

Famous Dates in History: On March 23, 1879, the first telephone was installed in the White House. Before that, the emergency hotline linking Washington with the Kremlin consisted of two cans and a very long string. Also in 1879, a federal study found that people who rode horses while talking on a cellular tin can were three times more likely to get into a wreck.

Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: During Passover, Coca-Cola brews a kosher version of its famous soda, made with cane sugar instead of corn syrup. Kosher Coke is sold in areas with large Jewish populations.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: ‘‘The Sombrero of Doom! ‘Silly’ Souvenir Kills Everyone Who Wears It!’’ (Weekly World News)

Bonus headline, also from WWN: ‘‘JonBenet’s Killer Revealed!’’ No, it wasn’t the Sombrero of Doom. The 6-year-old beauty queen died at the hands of ... famed skyjacker D.B. Cooper!

Unpaid Informants: Parade, Baird Jones, Scott Martelle, PR Newswire.

Copyright 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by
Creators Syndicate