Hissing Away Again in
Margaritaville: Mothers Against Drunk Driving is
a well-meaning organization, but its high time the
group revamped its priorities. Sure, alcohol and
automobiles are a deadly combo, but what about alcohol
According to Wireless Flash News Service, half of the 8,000
snakebite incidents that occur in the U.S. each year
involve liquor. Were unclear on whether its
the snakes or the humans getting sloshed, but either way,
the situation is grim, thanks to a shortage of snakebite
It doesnt help that singer Jimmy Buffett has
announced plans to serve the worlds largest
margarita in Florida this weekend. The 7,000-gallon
cocktail -- which is big enough to fill 20 hot tubs (preferably
with salt around the tiles) -- will be mixed at Buffetts
Margaritaville Cafe in Orlando. Needless to say, its
a recipe for disaster, what with the states 45
species of snakes (46 if you count lawyers). And we dont
even want to think about what could happen if the
serpents drink and try to drive.
D.C. Remodeling Bureau: Every president
puts his personal stamp on the White House. For example,
John F. Kennedy played up his Camelot aura by building a
moat around the residence and ordering Secret Service
agents to wear suits of armor. President Nixon installed
tape recorders everywhere, including the bathrooms, which
produced his most embarrassing Watergate tapes (this was
before the invention of Beano).
And Abraham Lincoln was the first president to sleep on a
coin-operated vibrating bed.
Now its George W. Bushs turn. At a Cinco de
Mayo celebration earlier this month, he told the nation:
Mi casa blanca es su casa blanca
(My White House is your White House). Since then,
thousands of citizens have taken him at his word and
dropped over unannounced to raid the White House fridge,
watch TV and launch nuclear strikes against neighbors
they dont like. Theyve also disrupted cabinet
meetings by plopping into chairs and asking, Is
this where Martin Sheen sits?
In a related move, while hosting a Little League game at
the White House, Bush blasted the Clinton administration
for selling timeshares to the Lincoln Bedroom.
I would never do anything to undermine the
decorum and majesty of this residence, he
told reporters. Now if youll excuse me,
Im late for a meeting on the South Lawn with the
San Diego Chicken.
Consumer Hotline Question of the Month:
Clairols emergency hair-care hotline recently
fielded a call from a woman seeking advice on the best
way to color her dogs fur to match her hair.
Oxymoron of the Week: A CD titled
The Best of Ravi Shankar was
released May 15. Wheres a drunken snake when we
Great Moments in History: Seventy-one
years ago this month, the worlds first airline
stewardess reported for duty aboard a United Airlines
flight from Oakland, Calif., to Cheyenne, Wyo. According
to Wireless Flash News, Ellen Church served passengers
fried chicken, fruit salad and rolls during her inaugural
flight. She also had to sweep out the plane, fill it with
gas and help push it onto the runway before takeoff.
Also, because the first in-flight movie was a silent film,
instead of charging passengers for earphones, the airline
forced them to wear blindfolds unless they paid a fee.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week:
New Mr. Ed Cusses a Blue Streak in Remake of
Beloved Show! (Weekly World News)
Unpaid Informants: Ann
Harrison, PR Newswire.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators