May 17, 2000

Oceanfront Condo for Morris? Sandbox Heaven

By Roy Rivenburg

Hot Property Bureau: In celebrity real estate news, Morris the Cat has announced plans to move from Chicago to Los Angeles.

At a press conference held last week, the 9Lives spokescat said he wanted to be closer to his new trainer. However, associates say several other factors may have influenced the orange tabby's decision:

  • California has more hot tin roofs than Chicago.
  • Morris was tired of losing auditions for product endorsements to Michael Jordan.
  • His kinfolk, including cigarette mogul Philip-Morris the Cat, advised him to leave Illinois. They said, "California is the place you oughtta be," so he loaded up his litter box and moved to Beverly.
  • Of course, Morris is no stranger to Hollywood. In 1973, he co-starred in the movie "Shamus" with Burt Reynolds and Dyan Cannon (no joke). And his agent, William-Morris the Cat, is now shopping a sequel to film studios. In the new script, the role of Burt Reynolds' toupee will be played by one of Morris' hairballs.

    The 9Lives mascot has also launched a website, www.morristhecat.com, which lists his various accomplishments, such as being named one of the world's most admired males by Young Miss magazine and writing three books (including the bestseller "Tuesdays With Morris").

    In 1992, he also ran for president on the Finicky Party ticket. According to his website, "Feline voter turnout was excellent but most cats were ultimately unable to reach the voting lever."

    In other celebrity real estate news, Mr. Ed has reportedly moved to a glue factory. And Flipper has taken up residence in several cans of 9Lives.

    Storm Watch 2000: Hurricane season is officially under way in the Eastern Pacific, and names for the twisters have been chosen. The sixth whirlwind will be called Hurricane Fabio, according to news reports.

    However, weather forecasters expect only minor damage from the supermodel storm, such as making women swoon, ripping open men's shirts to the navel and perhaps killing a few geese. Assuming those predictions hold, the twister will be downgraded to either Tropical Storm Fabio, Blow-Dried Hair Fabio or I Can't Believe It's Not a Hurricane Fabio.

    Weird Polls Department: When asked the question, "Looking back on your life, what do you most regret wasting time on?" 6 percent of the people responding to a recent survey by Norelco answered: "Taking surveys."


    Quote of the Week: From Barry Manilow, speaking to gossip journalist Baird Jones backstage at an awards ceremony in New York: "In a movie, I'd love to have Barbra Streisand play me for my life story."


    Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: Amaze your friends with the following facts:

  • Tamales can be converted into writing paper, according to paper-making expert Helen Hiebert.
  • It is illegal to hunt camels in Arizona.
  • In 1832, Congress passed a law requiring all American citizens to spend one day a year fasting and praying.
  • Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "Teens Get 10 Years in Prison for Planning to Draw a Happy Face on the Sphinx!" (Weekly World News)

    Ten years? The proper penalty for assault with a deadly '70s icon should be life without parole.

    Unpaid Informants: Ann Harrison, Bob Bennett, Chicago Sun-Times, Susanna Timmons, Chicago Volunteer Legal Services Foundation.

    Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
    Distributed by Creators Syndicate