Power Tripping: Here
at Off-Kilter, we are committed to solving the nations
growing energy crisis. No, wait. Thats some other
columnist. The only thing were committed to is a
psychiatric ward near downtown Los Angeles. But that
doesnt mean we cant answer reader questions
about energy and conservation:
Question: How much power does
an electric chair use?
Answer: A lot, which is why you
should never execute a death row inmate in your living
room while someone is using a blow dryer in the bathroom.
Itll melt your fuse box.
Q: What is the latest
breakthrough in alternatives to gasoline?
A: Marijuana. A Virginia couple
is driving across the U.S. in a Mercedes station wagon
powered by hemp-seed oil. The hemp mobile
gets 25 miles per gallon -- and the fuel costs $75 a
gallon, which is cheaper than what gasoline will cost by
the end of summer.
Q: What are the disadvantages
to a hemp car?
A: Dilated headlights, short-term
memory problems in the onboard computer and the car is
constantly being tailed by actor Woody Harrelson.
Q: I read that an electric eel
produces 500 volts and an electric catfish emits 350
volts. Does anyone make an adapter so I can plug my
refrigerator into one of these creatures?
A: You can try Radio Shack, but
its easier to buy an electric ray, which produces
220 volts, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.
Q: The Bible calls itself a
lamp unto our feet and a light for our path. But when I
tried using it to find the bathroom at 3 a.m., I stubbed
my toe in the dark. Was I doing something wrong?
A: Yes, it doesnt work
Q: During power alerts, utility
customers are asked to run washers and other major
appliances at night. Whats the best time to
download porn from the Internet?
A: While youre at work.
That way, your employer picks up the tab.
Q: Whenever I get a brilliant
idea, a little light bulb goes on over my head. Will I
have to stop getting ideas to conserve energy?
A: No, just switch to a compact
fluorescent bulb over your head. It uses 75 percent less
Deep-Sea Narcissism: Bottlenose dolphins
have joined humans and apes as the only species able to
recognize themselves in a mirror, according to a new
scientific study. This is great news for the cosmetics
industry. It opens up a whole new market for such
products as dolphin mascara, dolphin lip gloss and
dolphin styling gel.
Scariest Book of the Year: The
Holy Movement by Debora Lee Meehan, a
historical and biblical presentation of colon
hygiene for the new millennium.
E-Solutions Bureau: Scientists are
constantly grappling with daunting riddles, such as the
origin of the universe, the nature of subatomic particles
and determining who really is the weakest link. But the
biggest mystery is how to get people interested in such
mind-numbing concepts as De-Broglie wavelengths and
absorption coefficients for photons. At Essex University
in Britain, a grad student might have the answer. He
added a photo gallery to his semiconductor physics
website and changed the URL to http://britneyspears.ac.
Two million visitors have since flocked to the site,
according to the London Mirror.
Mark Your Calendars: May 11 is National
Eat What You Want Day.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week:
Feds OK Outrageous Plan to Drill for Oil
Under Arlington National Cemetery! (Weekly
Wireless Flash News Service, Ann Harrison, Associated
Press, sfgate.com, Mary Stolzenbach.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators