May 24, 2000

Looking for Love in All
the Swamp Places

By Roy Rivenburg

Eligible Bachelor Bureau: South Florida, which is still recovering from Elian madness, now faces a new crisis: Bigfoot mating season.

According to Sasquatch researcher David Shealy, who also owns an RV park in Ochopee, love is in the air for a Florida Bigfoot known as the "skunk ape." An estimated nine of the creatures roam the Everglades, and their pheromones are flying.

One Sasquatch is dating Angelina Jolie, and another just took out a personal ad that said: "Single hairy male seeks attractive female who enjoys romantic dinners, quiet walks through the woods and eluding tabloid journalists. Personal hygiene unimportant."

Here at Off-Kilter, we regularly receive inquiries from people interested in dating or marrying skunk apes. So we've written a new book on the subject, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Bigfoot Is From South Florida."

In it, we cover everything you need to know to capture the heart of Mr. Sasquatch. The topics include:

  • How to attract Bigfoot ("Carve your phone number into trees throughout his habitat, but when he calls, act aloof").
  • Dating etiquette ("No flash photography").
  • Getting through your first argument ("Don't make a federal case when he eats all of your household pets").
  • Favorite Bigfoot dating destinations (the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater).
  • Sasquatch communication skills (When he says, "Graarrgghh," what he means is, "I'm feeling vulnerable about our relationship right now and I just want to be held").
  • Tarantella 2000: Al Gore and George W. Bush are blind. They keep blathering about esoteric concepts like "Social Security" and "education" while ignoring far more pressing problems, such as the nationwide epidemic of plays about dancing. According to a new study, America is being overrun by rapidly mutating productions of "Stomp," "Riverdance," "Tap Dogs," "Lord of the Dance," "Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk" and assorted Gap commercials.

    The latest outbreak is something called "Burn the Floor," which is said to be an "exploration of the world of ballroom dance, including the tango and cha cha cha, juxtaposed with street and industrial dance." Another threat is a coming dance musical based on the life of pro wrestler Jesse Ventura.

    In other words, unless something is done, it's only a matter of time before we're subjected to plays based on the frug, the monkey and the electric slide. Or Michael Flatley starring in "Lord of the Polka" or "Lord of the Square Dance."

    Sport-Utility Hot Dog: The redesigned Oscar Mayer Wienermobile weighs the same as 140,000 hot dogs and comes equipped with a global positioning system, relish-colored passenger seats and enough storage space for 11,000 Wienerwhistle toys.

    Al Unser Jr. recently took the vehicle for a test drive on the Indy 500 racetrack, and reached a top speed of 100 mph.

    Alarming Trends Bureau: Minnesota has unveiled Spam lottery tickets, which are scratch-off tickets depicting America's favorite mystery meat, with prizes ranging from $2 to $25,000.

    But still no sign of a Spam-mobile driven by Al Unser Jr.

    Celebrity Birthday Report: Raggedy Ann just turned 85.

    Quote of the Week: From NCAA golfer Bryce Molder, talking to Maximum Golf magazine about hitting the links with Bill Clinton in Little Rock, Ark.: "Playing with the president was weird. He shot a 90, (but) at the end of the game, his scorecard said 84."

    That's not weird. It just depends on what your definition of "90" is.

    Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "Does Something Smell? Your Dead Pet's Ghost May Be Peeing on Your Carpet!" (Weekly World News)

    Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Ann Harrison, Susanna Timmons, PR Newswire, Baird Jones.

    Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
    Distributed by Creators Syndicate