Reach Out and Touch Someone:
A New York fashion designer has launched a line of
braille T-shirts for women. In a related story, former
President Bill Clinton was seen wandering the streets of
Manhattan impersonating a blind man.
Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: The most common
last words of people who fall into the Grand Canyon are,
according to a ranger: Hey, look at me!
Washed-Up Celebrity Bureau: Mr. Bill,
the hapless clay character from vintage Saturday
Night Live episodes, is now the official
spokesman for Ramada Inns. In an upcoming TV commercial,
he will be squished by a flyswatter at a cheap hotel. Can
Motel 6 ads with Gumby and Pokey be far behind?
Springtime for Turncoats: The truth
about Sen. James Jeffords recent decision to switch
political parties, from Roy Rivenburgs May 25
article in the Los Angeles Times:
In a last-ditch effort to keep Sen. James Jeffords of
Vermont from bolting the Republican Party last week, GOP
leaders dangled a series of enticements, including
chairmanship of the prestigious Senate subcommittee on
maple syrup and, in their final offer, the top-secret
formula for Strom Thurmonds orange hair dye.
In the end, however, the Democrats package was too
good to refuse. In addition to a $52.7-million signing
bonus (making Jeffords the highest-paid senator in U.S.
history), Democrats promised to let Vermont annex New
Hampshire, a move that figures to make the tiny state as
big as most living rooms.
Although the defection thrilled liberals, it could set a
dangerous precedent. Already, the itch to switch is
spreading to other sectors of American life.
-- Music: Justin Timberlake stunned the pop
world Thursday by announcing plans to quit N Sync
and join the Backstreet Boys. Normally, nobody would
really care, except that N Sync is replacing
Timberlake with David Crosby.
-- Theme Parks: Mickey Mouse has severed ties
with Disneyland and moved to Magic Mountain. Despite
personal pleas from Michael Eisner and Donald Duck, Mouse
said Disneyland just isnt the same.
In particular, he lambasted the new California Adventure
theme park, which is bombing with the public.
I told them it should have been called East
Timor Adventure, but they wouldnt listen,
-- Hollywood: Actor Billy Baldwin is rumored to
be resigning from the Baldwin Brothers (Alec, Daniel,
Stephen, Billy, Groucho and Chico). Everyone
is always getting us mixed up, he complained.
Although no official announcement has been made, Baldwin
told aides he planned to become one of the Olsen twins.
-- Cereal: Tony the Tiger is reportedly
defecting from Kellogg to General Mills. Tiger, 59, is
said to be miffed about his waning influence at Kellogg,
which has come under increasing control by Snap, Crackle
-- Sports: The San Diego Chargers, perennial
losers in the AFC West, are abandoning football to try
their luck at synchronized swimming.
-- Politics: California Gov. Gray Davis, sinking
in polls over his handling of the energy crisis, tendered
his resignation and announced plans to run for governor
of oil-rich Texas.
You Are What You Read: The two most recent
issues of Seventeen magazine contained twice as many
references to sex as the latest GQs, according to a
survey by Right Angle Research. Other findings: Brides
magazine had no stories about love in May; God wasnt
mentioned in the April or May issues of Cosmo, Rolling
Stone, Oprahs magazine, Vogue, Harpers Bazaar
or Seventeen; the San Francisco Chronicle referred to
wine twice as often as the New York Times.
Chez NASA: The signature dessert at the
Kennedy Space Center Visitor Complex is a chocolate space
shuttle served with whipped cream and fresh berries. Its
called chocolate liftoff.
Chez Oncologist: We dont normally
associate caramel pecan crunch
ice cream with the fight against cancer, but select
packages of Dreyers and Edys ice cream now
display pink ribbons to promote breast cancer awareness.
However, still no sign of Pabst Pink Ribbon beer.
Karaoke Car Alarms, The Sequel: A few
months ago, we invited readers to submit ideas for the
new car alarm that replaces the usual wailing sounds with
customized anti-theft messages, such as a nonstop
recording of John Tesh singing or the voice of actor
Robert Blake saying, Ill be right back;
I just forgot something in the restaurant. But dont
worry, youll be perfectly safe while Im gone.
Here are the winning entries:
-- Jon Guenzler of Santa Ana, Calif., would scare off
thieves with an alarm that keeps saying, Do
you want fries with that? Do you want fries with that?
-- Cindy Witzke of Muskegon, Mich., proposed this message
for her 1992 Jeep Cherokee with 156,000 miles:
Take my car -- please! Its insured to
the hilt and I want a Durango!
Our contest runners-up, who will replace the winners if
the winners are unable to fulfill their duties, are
Richard P. McDonough (When you enter this
automobile and hotwire the ignition, you will hear an
anthology of campaign speeches by George W. Bush. Have a
nice day), Gerry Adler (This is
your mother speaking...) and Wayne Terry (Warning!
All upholstery coated with dog hair).
Supermarket Tabloid Story of the Week: One
of the biggest mysteries in journalism is why the
Pulitzer Prize board never honors the Weekly World News.
Not only did the tabloid discover that Elvis Presley was
alive, then dead again, then alive again -- but a few
weeks ago, while the rest of the media reported that
Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh had received a
last-minute stay of execution,
only WWN had the courage to print a cover photo of his
lifeless body next to the headline: Dead
McVeigh on Morgue Slab!
Sure, some skeptics think this means WWN went to press a
little early that week (the tabloid equivalent of
Dewey Defeats Truman!), but were
not so sure. Its more likely that the government
killed McVeigh by accident, hired a double to conceal the
mistake and then concocted a yarn that other newspapers
were too lazy to investigate. That laziness might also
explain why the media missed another WWN exclusive:
Australian Bigfoot Digs Neil Diamond!
Wireless Flash News, Chicago Sun-Times, Ann Harrison, PR
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators