May 31, 2000

Feng Shui and Other Mysteries of the Universe

By Roy Rivenburg

Answers Inc.: Since the dawn of time, mankind has been searching for the answers to life's big questions: "Who am I?" "Is there a God?" and "If a westbound train leaves Philadelphia traveling 70 mph and an eastbound train leaves Cleveland going 63 mph, in what city will they collide and how many lawsuits will be filed on behalf of the survivors?"

In the past, such mysteries were left to theologians and mystics. But now, thanks to the Internet, any idiot can weigh in. And usually does.

Reader Ed Rushman recently found an entire website devoted to self-described cosmic experts, including one who promised to answer queries about "the meaning and purpose of life'" for $1 per minute. For references, she listed "God."

This reminded us of an ad we once saw offering "Secrets of the universe for $3.50 each, or two for $5."

But we digress.

Here at Off-Kilter, we believe the mysteries of life should be explained free of charge. And so we bring you another installment of Dear Off-Kilter, in which we answer reader questions about God, the meaning of existence, life after death and, of course, the number of golf balls that can be stored inside a Boeing 757 (6 million, according to the Chicago Sun-Times).

Question: Can feng shui, the ancient Chinese art of arranging your house to attract positive energy, be applied to automobiles?

Answer: Yes. According to feng shui consultant Angi Ma Wong, the first step toward creating good car feng shui is making sure your vehicle's color matches your horoscope sign. For example, people born under water signs should own blue cars. Another step is to only drive to work in one of four "good luck" directions, which are determined by a complex formula based on your birthdate.

Although you might have to go out of your way to get to work (for example, a commute from Long Beach to Los Angeles may now require a detour through Texas), the positive energy flow will be worth it, she says.

Question: What about the interior of the car? Can the placement of fuzzy dice and other objects block the flow of positive energy?

Answer: Definitely. To maximize positive vibes, Off-Kilter recommends placing your stick shift in the back seat and the brake pedal inside the glove compartment. Also, for those who worry about airplane feng shui, a good rule of thumb is "never board a 757 when the cockpit is full of golf balls."

Question: If I'm watching my health, is it better to drink martinis shaken or stirred?

Answer: Follow the example of James Bond. According to researchers at the University of Western Ontario in London, shaken martinis contain more antioxidant properties than stirred ones. "007's profound state of health may be due, at least in part, to compliant bartenders," said one investigator.

Question: Will there ever be another piano player like Liberace?

Answer: Probably not. According to Dr. C. Ralph Campo of the University of Psychic Science, Liberace's trademark candelabra was shaped like a perfect pyramid, which gave him "super piano power."

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "NASA Finds Alien Port-A-Potty on the Moon!" (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Linda Sator Harrison, Family Practice News, Ann Harrison.

Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate