November 15, 2000
Clothing That Goes
By Roy Rivenburg
Pop Couture: Weddings can be hazardous to your health. According to a recent university study, which we made up to sensationalize this story, 74 percent of all brides and grooms are killed or injured by flying rice, wedding cake mishaps or tripping over the bridal gown.
But help is available. An Indiana company called Innovative Ideologies just unveiled a $250 wedding dress made entirely from plastic bubble wrap. So if a bride trips at the altar or stumbles on the dance floor at the reception, her fall will be cushioned by air-filled packing material.
The company also makes bubble wrap baseball caps, bras, suits and other garments. If the clothing catches on, maybe car airbags will no longer be needed.
Frosty the Hawaiian Snowman: In the past, people who lived in a tropical climate but dreamed of a white Christmas had to go through the minor inconvenience of buying thousands of snow globes and painstakingly removing the tiny snowflakes to sprinkle on their lawns.
No more! Introducing the world's first home snow-making machine, from Hammacher Schlemmer. The $4,000 device can dump an inch of snow on a 1,000-square-foot area in just three hours. And it's portable, so you can also take it to the office, the beach, Middle East peace negotiations or any other venue in need of a makeshift blizzard. Although the manufacturer recommends operating the machine "only in temperatures below 26 degrees,'' we think it's fine to use anywhere, anytime.
Sunshine State Lunacy Bureau: Orlando, Fla., will officially change its name to Who-lando on Nov. 17, in honor of the mythical town of Whoville in the new Jim Carrey movie, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas.'' The name change will last until Dec. 31. Hmmm. This is the state that gets to decide our next president?
Alarming Trends Bureau: Confusion over the presidential election has apparently allowed the country to go to seed. The evidence:
Conspiracy Theory No. 5,082: A California woman has written a book claiming that JFK's assassination was engineered by Jacqueline Kennedy because she needed more cash to buy designer fashions.
Can an Oliver Stone movie be far behind?
Celebrity Birthday Bureau: Tweety Bird turns 58 Nov. 21.
Newspaper Correction of the Month: The Spokesman-Review of Spokane, Wash., apologized last week for inadvertently referring to the president of Gonzaga University as a Nazi. The error was contained in a headline about a book signing honoring the Catholic university leader: "Nazi Priest Promotes His Book.''
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: "Stripper Drops Her Top at Bachelor Party -- And Oldster's Eyes Literally Pop Out of His Head!'' (Weekly World News)
Bonus headline, also from WWN: "Pesky Crows Eat Drunk's Brain!'' Personally, we hate it when pesky crows devour our vital internal organs. Yet another reason to wear protective bubble wrap clothing.
Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, PR Newswire, www.poynter.org/medianews.Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate