|Oct. 17, 2001
|By Roy Rivenburg
|The Walrus Wasnt Paul: While
listening to actor Kevin Spaceys frightening
rendition of John Lennons Mind Games
during a recent TV tribute, we wondered what Lennon would
think if he were alive. And then we remembered: He is.
The John Lennon Artificial Intelligence Project is a computer that has been programmed to answer questions as if it were the ex-Beatle. (Other versions of the software answer questions as Elvis or Jack the Ripper).
So, in honor of Lennons 61st birthday on Oct. 9, we visited the website and asked a few questions. For a dead guy, Lennon was surprisingly cooperative, but we did encounter some glitches. For instance, when we asked if William Shatners hair is real, cyber-Lennon replied, What are you doing in my kitchen?
And when we wanted to know who shot JFK, Lennon replied, Paul McCartney, whereas cyber-Elvis said: I think the lone gunman acted alone. So we decided to start with easier queries:
Question: What is two times two?
Lennon: Oh, thats a tough one, isnt it? Two times two is four.
Q: How is it being dead?
A: Its not something I like to talk about these days.
Q: Are you in heaven or hell?
A: Im nowhere, man.
Q: Who was the walrus?
A: Mary Poppins was the original walrus. Betcha didnt know that.
Q: Is Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds about LSD?
A: I think so, but Im not sure.
Q: Did you like Kevin Spaceys version of Mind Games on TNTs Lennon tribute?
A: No I didnt. Is it important?
Q: Who is Elton John?
A: Some famous rock n roll creep.
Alarming Trends Bureau: First anthrax and now this:
-- The man behind the Pet Rock craze of the 1970s has announced plans for a Pet Rock comeback.
-- Shania Twain is recording a cover of Chers 1973 hit Half Breed, for which she should be stoned with Pet Rocks.
-- A New York researcher theorizes that dumb people are more sexually attractive than smart people.
-- Following the lead of Heinzs purple ketchup, Parkay has decided to sell colored margarine.
Gymnasts of the Year: The award goes to Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie, who were described in the Los Angeles Times as locked in a tight embrace, gazing into each others eyes as she kisses his earlobe.
Anger Management Bureau: Pinatas.com has begun selling Osama bin Laden pinatas.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: How to Tell if Your Dogs an Alcoholic! Is Fido Becoming a Party Animal? (Weekly World News)
Apparently, booze hounds are growing in number, which is why WWN recommends the following measures: keep your TV tuned to religious programming when the dog is around; check for hidden stashes of liquor in the doghouse; encourage your pet to attend Animal Alcoholics Anonymous; check your dogs water dish to make sure he isnt sneaking vodka in there.
Dog owners should also be on the alert for these warning signs of canine alcohol abuse:
-- Poor coordination. When you toss your dog a Frisbee, does he catch it in his mouth or does it bounce off his head?
-- The smell of liquor on your pets breath or fur.
-- Changes in behavior. Your pooch begins hanging out with a bad pack of mutts, spending nights away from home with no explanation for his absence.
Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate