Oct. 30, 2002

Tuesday = Snooze Day

By Roy Rivenburg
Ruby Tuesday: It’s no wonder Americans are so apathetic about elections. Politicians keep blabbing away about boring issues like ‘‘education’’ and ‘‘the economy’’ instead of addressing more important questions like: Why can’t someone build a bus skinny enough to fit inside its own lane of traffic instead of hanging over into the next one?

Also, how come rock musicians have abandoned doo-wop words such as ‘‘rama-lama-ding-dong’’ and ‘‘be-bop-a-lula’’? Don’t they realize this prevents them from writing innovative new lyrics that rhyme with ‘‘Alabama King Kong’’ and ‘‘former Miami Dolphins coach Don Shula’’?

Religious Phones Bureau: The Catholic Church in Holland runs a Website (www.catholictunes.nl) that enables cell phone users to convert their ring tones to religious songs, such as ‘‘Ave Maria’’ and ‘‘Veni Sancte Spiritus.’’ A press release says the ring tones ‘‘provide an opportunity for a moment of inspiration and contemplation every time the phone rings.’’

Alarming Trends Bureau: More reasons to break open the cyanide pills:

-- The TV Land cable channel will air a ‘‘Charles in Charge’’ marathon Nov. 10-14.
-- Mars has a crater that looks like Scooby-Doo, according to a report in the Chicago Sun-Times.
-- A Texas travel agency called Naked-air.com is planning the world’s first clothing-optional plane flight, to Cancun, Mexico. The only caveat is that passengers may not disrobe until the charter plane reaches cruising altitude and must put their clothes back on before going through customs. In other nude news, the grandson of dead President Grover Cleveland has posed in the buff for a calendar to benefit a New Hampshire charity.
-- A Los Angeles hair transplant expert says sideburn cosmetic surgery is growing in popularity. Apparently, men who get face lifts sometimes lose hair on the side of their heads and need sideburn transplants.
-- The Internal Revenue Service manual has instructions for collecting taxes after a nuclear war.

Going Postal: Regarding our recent report that in Massachusetts, it’s against the law to keep a mule on the second floor of any building, reader Alex Laurelli writes: ‘‘I’ve lived in Massachusetts, and you’d be surprised by the number of jackasses who live in high-rises!’’

Press Releases We Ignored This Week: ‘‘Encounter the Organic Sausage Revolution’’ and ‘‘Robbed by Thieves, a Mother Finds Way to Protect Herself; Uses and Markets Secret Bra Pouch.’’

Quote of the Month: ‘‘Dear Mr. President, it is time that America was able to enjoy pig racing on TV. Please have Monday Night Football taken off the air so that we may enjoy the heroic athletics of these fine animals.’’ From an online petition urging the White House to replace Monday Night Football with racing pigs.

Weird Polls Bureau: Twenty percent of Canadians are afraid to be a passenger when their spouse is driving, according to the Ottawa Citizen.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: ‘‘Was Lawrence Welk Murdered? Champagne Music Made Him a Target of Anti-Liquor Terrorists!’’ (Weekly World News)

Bonus headline, also from WWN: ‘‘Stockbrokers Spraining Their Ankles in ‘Practice Suicide Jumps’!’’
The trial run leaps from second-story windows are being done ‘‘in case the stock market hits rock bottom and they have to take a dive out the upper-story window of a skyscraper just like in the first Great Depression.’’ As one practice jumper explained to WWN: ‘‘I don’t want to be that guy who freezes at the window when jumping time comes around or, God forbid, screams like a girl. I want my kids to be proud of me when they hear how I went out.’’

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, U.S. Catholic magazine.

Copyright 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by
Creators Syndicate