October 25, 2000
2001: A Political
By Roy Rivenburg
Election Breakthrough: Our time-traveling journalist has just returned from the future with exciting news about the Nov. 7 presidential election: Neither idiot will make it to the White House.
As you recall, Off-Kilter has access to an experimental time machine that was developed at Caltech and which we use purely for scholarly purposes, such as solving riddles of history, reporting on future news and betting on horse races.
A few days ago, we sent our correspondent to January 2001 to find out about the presidential
race and to pick up some groceries (perishables keep longer when you buy them in the future because the expiration date is later). He filed this report:
Amazing Grace Period: Meter maids in San Francisco have formed a gospel choir, according to the San Francisco Chronicle.
Get Smart Bureau: Has anyone else noticed that Al Gore and George W. Bush bear an uncanny similarity to Hymie the Robot and Larabee from "Get Smart''? Where is the "cone of silence'' when we need it?
Press Releases We Ignored: "Denver Company Rolls Out Flavored Anticaking Agents for Cheese Industry.''
Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: Our latest collection of useless information:
Bumper Sticker Patrol: Spotted by The Realist: "Your planet's immune system is trying to get rid of you.''
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: "Space Alien Kills Man During Drive-By Shooting'' (Weekly World News)
Our time-traveling journalist says this incident marks the beginning of a turf war between extraterrestrial gangs and earthlings over who will control the crack cocaine trade. Also ahead: alien graffiti.
Unpaid Informants: PR Newswire, U.S. Catholic, Wireless Flash News Service, Chicago City Newsstand, Terry Mattingly.Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate