|Sept. 12, 2001
|By Roy Rivenburg
|Note to Readers: Deadlines are never
fun, but this one was a nightmare. We had to write todays
Off-Kilter on Sept. 11, just a few hours after a band of
wackos hijacked some jets and crashed them into the World
Trade Center and the Pentagon. Not exactly ideal
conditions for composing a humor column.
But then we remembered a passage from One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest by Ken Kesey: He knows you have to laugh at the things that hurt you just to keep yourself in balance, just to keep the world from running you plumb crazy. He knows theres a painful side... but he wont let the pain blot out the humor no moren hell let the humor blot out the pain.
And so, while Jay Leno and Conan OBrien wisely take a few days off, we foolishly proceed with this weeks roundup of the lighter side of life. (We also offer prayers for the victims and survivors of Tuesdays terrorist attack.)
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida Sequel: A musical composition titled As Slow as Possible is currently being performed in Germany, and it puts Iron Butterflys 17-minute hit, In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, to shame. Written by John Cage, the song begins with a silence lasting 16 months. Then an organ chord is played on Jan. 5, 2003. Then theres another silence, then another chord on July 5, 2004, and finally the last chord is played in 639 years.
We hate it when this song gets stuck in our heads.
Weird Polls Bureau: Forty percent of Americans would rather do yard work than have sex, according to a survey by Home & Garden Television.
Whats next -- 1-900 phone lines where operators discuss forbidden fantasies of raking leaves and mowing lawns.
Product of the Month: The 99 Cent Store chain recently ran an advertisement in the Orange County (Calif.) Register offering 12-packs of latex Condits.
Loser of the Month: The editor of the Orange County Register, for apologizing for publishing the aforementioned ad.
Alarming Trends Bureau: More reasons to pull the covers over your head and stay in bed...
-- Dick Clark will be seen taking a bubble bath on an episode of his new talk show, The Other Half.
-- Los Angeles is now home to a monthly newsmagazine called Voice of Sushi and Tofu.
-- Ronald McDonald will don a milk mustache for a new Got milk? ad.
-- A world record for simultaneous public toothbrushing was set Sunday by 1,586 people in Denver. The previous record was 1,365 brushers in Phoenix. No word on whether theres a group flossing or toenail clipping record waiting to be broken.
-- A Belgian man who is traveling around the world on a motorized rickshaw recently landed in Los Angeles to begin the North American leg of his journey.
-- Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura is planning to declare an official Loni Anderson Day.
-- A 1929 Commander toaster recently sold for $3,000 at the Toaster Collectors Association convention. Were not sure which is scarier, the price of the toaster or the fact that theres a Toaster Collectors Association.
-- Finally, most alarming of all, Yoko Onos latest CD is scheduled to arrive in stores Oct. 9.
Trade Shows We Probably Wont Attend: Kosherfest 2001, coming in November to Secaucus, N.J.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: Lonely Cat Runs Up $5,000 Phone Bill ... Calling 1-900 Sex Line! (Weekly World News)
The frisky felines owner was baffled by the cats behavior. We just had him neutered, he told WWN. You wouldnt think a neutered cat would be interested in sex.
Unpaid Informants: Chicago Sun-Times, Wireless Flash News Service, Washington Post.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate