Sept. 4, 2002


This Story is Pretty Cheesy

By Roy Rivenburg
Cheese Heads Behind Bars: We keep warning people never to eat cheese while committing a felony, but do they listen? Noooooo. The latest proof that crime and cheese don’t mix comes from the Journal of Forensic Odonto-Stomatology, in an article headlined, ‘‘Comparison Microscope Identification of a Cheese Bitemark: A Case Report.’’

According to the article, police investigating the murder of a farmer recovered a partially eaten piece of cheese at the scene of the crime. After a local dentist made plaster casts of the bite marks on the cheese (and the teeth of three suspects), the case was referred to the Forensic Odontology department of the University of Pretoria, in South Africa. There, a silicone rubber cast of the bite marks was made. At first, no match could be made, but ‘‘with the aid of a Leica DMC comparison microscope, individual features observed under 6.3x magnification aided in the positive identification of the suspect.’’ When confronted with the evidence, the killer confessed.

The lesson is clear: If you must eat cheese while committing a crime, be sure to use Velveeta, Cheez-Whiz or some similar product that doesn’t readily retain teeth marks.

(Special thanks to www.improbable.com for bringing this case to our attention.)
   
Alarming Trends Bureau: Frito-Lay launched its newest line of Doritos chips with an event that featured ‘‘innovative Doritos chandeliers,’’ a Doritos tasting bar and a TV commercial in which singer Enrique Iglesias croons to a bag of chips.
   
Weird Book Titles Bureau: Author Dominic Streatfeild has just released ‘‘Cocaine: An Unauthorized Biography.’’ Does this mean it’s possible to have an authorized biography of the drug?
   
Elvis Overdose: Just because the 25th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s alleged death has passed doesn’t mean the tributes are over. For example, Wickes Furniture recently debuted a bedroom set dubbed the Elvis Presley Collection. It features a leather platform bed, a heart-shaped mirror and an ‘‘Elvis Presley signature armoire.’’

Columnist David Allen of the Inland Valley (Calif.) Daily Bulletin comments: ‘‘Why limit Elvis furniture to bedroom sets? An Elvis kitchen could have a double-wide refrigerator,’’ while the Elvis bathroom collection would feature a ‘‘full line of sideburn-care products’’ and an ‘‘It’s Now or Never’’ throne toilet fit for a King -- to croak on. Allen adds: ‘‘And imagine the holding capacity of the Elvis Presley signature medicine cabinet!’’

In other Elvis news:
-- Author Daniel Klein has issued a series of novels portraying Elvis as a crime fighter. The titles include: ‘‘Blue Suede Clues,’’ ‘‘Kill Me Tender’’ and ‘‘Viva Las Vengeance.’’
-- A Los Angeles psychic who claims to channel Jesus, Merlin and John Belushi says that Elvis is making music in heaven with deceased rapper Tupac Shakur. The duo call their creation ‘‘country rap,’’ and they’re planning to ‘‘telepathically influence’’ the music business to hype it into pop’s hottest trend.
-- The Morgan Mint is issuing Love Me (Legal) Tender quarters in which Elvis Presley replaces George Washington on a set of bona fide Tennessee state quarters.
   
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: ‘‘New Crisis in Cuba: Castro’s Cigars Won’t Stay Lit!’’

Bonus headline, also from WWN: ‘‘Dentist Making Dentures for Vampires! ‘A Vampire Without His Fangs is Like a Wasp Without His Stinger,’ Says the Good Doctor’’

Just remember that Dracula dentures can be traced if you eat cheese before sucking the blood of your victim.
   
Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, PR Newswire.


Copyright 2002 by Roy Rivenburg
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