Feb. 21, 2001

The Latest Scoop
on Funerals

By Roy Rivenburg

Frozen Funerals: An Oregon couple has opened a combination coffin store and ice cream parlor. No word on the flavors, but we’re guessing Casket Crunch, Pralines ’n Cremation, Pall Bearer Berry and Jamoca Almond Embalming Fluid. We’re also betting that the ice cream is sold by the cone, the quart or the urn.

In other frozen dessert news, the maker of Dreyer’s and Edy’s brand ice cream is sponsoring a contest to ‘‘dream up a new ice cream flavor using ingredients you might find in Grandma’s kitchen.’’ Although the company suggests concoctions like Sunny Gingersnap Crunch or Lemonade Vanilla, we prefer Dentu-Creme Ripple or Ex-Lax Swirl.

Prehistoric Binaca Bureau: Why did dinosaurs go extinct? It might’ve been their breath. The new robotic Tyrannosaurus rex on display at London’s Natural History Museum roars at visitors and exhales a blend of jaguar urine, Thai curry, essence of cesspit, machine oil, garbage, smoked fish and ozone.

The aroma is intended to be a reasonable facsimile of the decaying-meat smell from a real T-rex’s mouth. No wonder the giant reptiles had trouble getting dates.

Quote of the Week: ‘‘He’s not the usual serial killer. He’s got a fantastic sense of humor and he only kills bad people’’ -- producer Dino De Laurentis, defending the title character from ‘‘Hannibal’’ in Daily Variety.

Oscar Chew Toy Bureau: As usual, this year’s Oscar nominations are a travesty. In choosing the candidates for best actor and actress, members of the Academy inexplicably limited themselves to HUMAN stars, thus ignoring riveting performances by the volleyball in ‘‘Cast Away’’ and the cat in ‘‘Meet the Parents,’’ among others.

Fortunately, the oversight is partially rectified by the American Pet Products Manufacturers Association, which is soliciting votes for the best pet actor of 2000. The nominees are the pooch that played Oddball in ‘‘102 Dalmatians,’’ the Grinch’s dog, the tigers from ‘‘Gladiator,’’ the ‘‘Meet the Parents’’ kitty and the canines from ‘‘Best in Show.’’

E-mail your vote to oscarpets@gillespie.com. The winner will be announced in late March.

Alarming Trends Bureau: More reasons to head for a monastery:

-- A New Jersey toy company plans to sell action figures modeled after Bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster and a goat-sucking chupacabra.
-- A new footwear museum has opened in the Philippines to showcase hundreds of shoes owned by Imelda Marcos.
-- A wristwatch manufacturer is creating timepieces based on the cast of ‘‘Survivor 2.’’
-- Four elephants were married in Thailand on Valentine’s Day, according to Reuters news service.

Supermodel Prozac: When Cindy Crawford gets the blues, she lifts her spirits by thinking about picking corn, according to Wireless Flash News.

In other mental health news, three out of four parakeets are depressed, according to an Arizona pet nutritionist who apparently hasn’t told the birds about the beneficial effects of contemplating corn-picking.

Kiss of Death Bureau: Eminem’s career must be just about over. First, Elton John extended an olive branch to the controversial rapper. Then Madonna chimed in. Now, Pat Boone has offered support for Eminem’s right to sing foul lyrics. If Barney and Mr. Rogers join in, he’s finished.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: ‘‘Arab Billionaire’s Bizarre Plot to Win Kentucky Derby: Human Brains Transplanted Into Racehorses!’’ (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Ann Harrison, www.dreyers.com, www.roadsideamerica.com, Chris Willman.

Copyright 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by
Creators Syndicate