July 26, 2000

Hey Rocky, Watch Me Pull
a Movie Outta My Hat

By Roy Rivenburg

Box-Office Duds: This summer's movie season has been a disaster for Hollywood film studios. One of the biggest flops is "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle," which might have fared better if the director had listened to our advice and cast Sylvester Stallone as Rocky.

The studios also ignored our proposals for several other summer flicks:

  • "Mad About U-571." Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt take up residence in a Nazi submarine.
  • "Me, Myself and I Claudius." A split-personality disorder causes a mild-mannered cop (Jim Carrey) to think he's a despotic Roman emperor with his own series on PBS. Possible sequel: "Me, Myself and Irene Ryan," in which Carrey's alter ego is Granny from "The Beverly Hillbillies."
  • Gone With the Wind in 60 Seconds." Nicolas Cage must end the Civil War in 24 hours or Angelina Jolie will lose Tara. Special effects include several harrowing horse chases.
  • "What Lies Beneath the Planet of the Apes." Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer are haunted by the ghost of Roddy McDowall as Cornelius the ape.

  • Off-Kilter also recommends three other titles, which were suggested by the Portland Oregonian's humor column, the Edge:

  • "The Straight Love Story.'" Ryan O'Neal accidentally runs over Ali McGraw while mowing his lawn.
  • "That Girl, Interrupted." Marlo Thomas checks in to an insane asylum.
  • "The Soylent Green Mile." Charlton Heston finds out what prison food is really made of.
  • Television Coverup: We can't believe the major TV networks are skipping gavel-to-gavel coverage of next week's big convention. No, we don't mean the Republican shindig in Philadelphia. That's a snoozer.

    We're talking about the American Association for Nude Recreation's convention in California's Anza-Borrego Desert. According to Wireless Flash News Service, the eight-day event will feature nude fire-walking, nude stargazing (bring your own full moon), nude coyote-calling contests and a nude pinata party.

    Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: The Statue of Liberty's fingernails weigh approximately 100 pounds apiece.

    Political Nutcase Bureau: Here at Off-Kilter, we want to do our part to combat voter apathy, which is why we're reminding people that one of the benefits of living in a democracy is that average citizens get to have a real say in how things are run. Your vote and your opinion truly do matter.

    Well, except with Congress or the president because they're all bought off by special interest groups. And not with corporations, because they're all multinationals with no allegiance to anyone but stockholders.

    But still, you can have influence over matters of great public import. For example, how to pronounce the word "pecan." Is it pi-KAWN or pe-CAN? The National Pecan Shellers Association is bitterly divided on the issue, so it's seeking the public's help. Log on to the association's website, www.ilovepecans.org , and cast your vote.

    Whichever pronunciation garners the most ballots will be adopted as the official standard by pecan producers. Because this is America and your opinion counts.

    Alarming Trends Bureau: A New York company is introducing a line of flavored lip balms based on the band 'N Sync. Justin Timberlake's flavor will be vanilla.

    Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: "Using a Hula-Hoop Can Get You Abducted by Aliens!'' (Weekly World News)

    Unpaid Informants: Susanna Timmons, "Uncle John's Absolutely Absorbing Bathroom Reader."

    Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
    Distributed by Creators Syndicate