July 31, 2002

Kiss Those Extra Pounds Good-Bye

By Roy Rivenburg
The Love Diet: Who says exercise has to be a chore? Now you can lose weight by undoing bras and smooching people. According to Ananova.com, an Italian dietitian recently calculated the fat-burning potential of various romantic activities and concluded that 53 minutes of French kissing will cancel out one hamburger.

Bra removal is another calorie killer -- but only if you do it one-handed. Whereas two-handed bra unclasping erases a mere eight calories, the single-handed maneuver gobbles up 18 calories. However, if you’re really serious about losing weight, we recommend trying to remove the bra of a total stranger or co-worker. After they scream and call for help, you’ll burn tons of calories running from police.

Eyes Wide Shut Bureau: The pleasures of camping are numerous: sleeping under the stars, communing with nature, roasting marshmallows over a campfire, etc. But there is one serious drawback: It’s almost impossible to hold a decent orgy because most sleeping bags can’t accommodate more than one or two people at a time. Happily, the situation is changing. A Utah company has created the world’s largest sleeping bag, measuring 24 feet wide by 55 feet long.

However, there’s still no word from Ananova.com’s Italian dietitian on how many calories can be burned by using it.

I Shot the Elvis: In Tijuana, Mexico, the capital of black velvet paintings, Elvis Presley is no longer king. The perennial bestseller has been dethroned by portraits of dead reggae singer Bob Marley, according to a report in the San Diego Union-Tribune.

Weird Polls Bureau: When blowing their noses in public, 30 percent of Americans alter their ‘‘nose-blowing style,’’ according to a survey by Puffs tissues.

Alarming Trends Bureau: The decline of Western civilization continues:

-- A July 31 convention of Klingon speakers in Pennsylvania featured a Klingonese rendition of Nancy Sinatra’s ‘‘These Boots Are Made for Walkin’.’’
-- Ascots are threatening to make a comeback. Fashion insiders say that Freddie Prinze Jr.’s continuous use of the neckwear in ‘‘Scooby-Doo’’ was the ‘‘most positive exposure for ascots since Thurston Howell III wore them on ‘Gilligan’s Island.’ ’’
-- Frito-Lay has introduced seaweed-flavored potato chips in the Philippines.
-- Pamela Anderson is now a magazine columnist.

It Was a Dark and Foamy Night: The makers of Reddi-wip whipped cream are sponsoring a contest to find the most entertaining and unusual ways people have used their product. The winners will receive $1,000 each, but only if their stories are G-rated enough to avoid attracting the attention of a certain Italian dietitian.

Meanwhile, in other contest news, Hasbro recently announced the winner of its competition to write a new question for the 20th anniversary edition of Trivial Pursuit. Entrants were asked to submit a quirky personal feat for possible use as a trivia question. The grand-prize winner wasn’t that interesting, but we liked the runner-up, who claimed to be the first person to play solitaire underwater for 76.5 hours while breathing through a bamboo reed.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: ‘‘Salesman Forced to Register His Body Odor as a Weapon ... Because His Stench is Lethal, Say Officials!’’ (Weekly World News)

Bonus headline, also from WWN: ‘‘Beer Helps You Live Longer, Say Experts!’’
Finally, a tabloid headline we want to believe is true.

Unpaid Informants: The Oregonian’s Edge column, Wireless Flash News Service, PR Newswire.

Copyright 2002 by Roy Rivenburg
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