Unidentified Flying Organs:
Look! Up in the sky, its a bird, its a plane,
its ... the worlds biggest anatomically
correct inflatable human brain! According to Wireless
Flash News Service, several members of Mensa, the high-IQ
society, flew a brain-shaped hot-air balloon over their
annual convention in Dallas this week. The 1,100-pound
balloon was reportedly big enough to hold 3 million real
Lets just hope this doesnt give Pfizer, the
makers of Viagra, any ideas for their annual stockholders
Speaking of Giant Brains: In other high-IQ
news, a U.S. inventor has finally licked the problem of
carpal ice-cream syndrome, in which the wrist is injured
by repetitive spinning of an ice cream cone while trying
to keep the scoop from melting. According to author Ted
Van Cleaves new book, Totally Absurd
Inventions, a patent has been issued for the
first motorized ice cream cone, which rotates
In related news, a British designer has solved an equally
vexing problem by inventing a toaster that predicts the
weather. The device downloads weather forecasts from the
Internet and then stamps the bread with an appropriate
symbol: the sun, a cloud or streaks of rain.
The Joy of Road Kill: By popular demand,
the author of The Original Road Kill Cookbook
has finally developed a product for children. No, its
not an Easy-Bake Road Kill Oven. Its the
Road Kill USA Coloring and Activity Book,
featuring outlines of ex-critters to color in with
crayons, and connect-the-dot pages to find out what
animal has just been run over.
Quote of the Week: From an inmate at
Floridas Pasco County Jail, explaining why its
unfair to require prisoners to wear the jails new
black-and-white striped uniforms: It makes us
look like convicts!
Weird PR Stunts: In a bold effort to
alter North Dakotas image as a frigid,
treeless prairie, the North Dakota Chamber of
Commerce is urging the state to change its name to just
Dakota. But were not sure that really solves the
problem. We suggest changing the states name to
North Florida, East Tahiti or Jennifer Lopez.
Alarming Trends Bureau: More reasons not
to get out of bed tomorrow:
-- A Finnish professor has translated Elvis Presleys
Blue Suede Shoes into ancient
Sumerian, a 6,000-year-old language. He introduced the
translation wearing a loincloth and blue suede sandals.
-- Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright has
announced shes single and interested in
meeting new men.
-- The country song Ruby (Dont Take
Your Love to Town) recently hit the 3-millionth
performance mark. The milestone wouldve been
reached sooner, but many artists are waiting for the
ancient Sumerian version.
-- The creator and voice of Alf
is hoping to bring his cat-eating alien back to TV as a
cable talk show host.
Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: According to a
survey by the Colonial Williamsburg Foundation, 22
percent of U.S. teens dont know which country
America declared its independence from (14 percent
thought it was from France). So, for all you dumb teens
out there, here are the facts: In 1776, the 13 colonies (which
consisted of New York, New Jersey, New Mexico, New Kids
on the Block, Rhode Island, Road Kill Island, Gilligans
Island, Pennsylvania, Canada, Georgia, Boy Georgia, East
Tahiti and Jennifer Lopez) formally declared their
independence from the kingdom of Sumeria.
Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week:
Baby Born with David Niven Mustache!
(Weekly World News)
Wireless Flash News, St. Petersburg Times, the Oregonians
Edge column, Chicago Sun-Times.
Copyright © 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators