June 27, 2001

Movie Sequels We'd Like to See

By Roy Rivenburg

Straight to Video Bureau: It’s time for another sneak peek at upcoming movie sequels.

-- ‘‘Moulin Stooge.’’ Nicole Kidman falls in love with Moe, Larry and Curly in turn-of-the-century Paris. Don’t miss the surreal pie fight sequence.
-- ‘‘James Earl Jones’s Diary.’’ Renee Zellweger, who gained 20 pounds for her role as Bridget Jones, outdoes herself for this wacky comedy by gaining 170 pounds and undergoing a sex-change operation to portray a deep-voiced black man looking for love.
-- ‘‘Seals & Crofts: Tomb Raiders.’’ A washed-up 1970s pop duo saves the world from doom. Rated R for violence, nudity and the repeated singing of ‘‘Diamond Girl.’’
-- ‘‘Pearl Barber.’’ A translation error causes Japanese pilots to bomb a Hawaiian hair salon in December 1941. But that’s just incidental to a steamy love triangle involving Ben Affleck, Kate Beckinsale and Howard McNear, who played Floyd the Barber on ‘‘The Andy Griffith Show.’’
-- ‘‘Pimiento.’’ A taut psychological thriller about a man who can’t remember whether he likes pimiento loaf.
-- ‘‘Star Shrek.’’ Subbing for Kirk and Spock, an ogre and his pointy-eared sidekick, Donkey, boldly go where no computer-animated characters have gone before.

In other sequel news, ‘‘Groundhog Day’’ screenwriter Danny Rubin was asked if there would ever be a sequel to his film. He replied: ‘‘I already figured out what it would be. We’d give it a name like ‘Groundhog Day II: Return to Punxsutawney.’ The rest of the movie would be identical [to the original]; we’d just re-release it.’’

Possum Fettucine?: We know how much our readers love gourmet food, which is why we’ve previously written about such topics as a cookbook for Bigfoot and a chef’s advice to cannibals on which wines go best with human flesh. Now, we have two new culinary breakthroughs to report.

Actor Max Baer Jr., who played Jethro on ‘‘The Beverly Hillbillies,’’ is developing a line of products based on the TV show. The possible items include Jethro-brand pork sausage, Granny Clampett’s white lightning liquor and Elly May donuts.

Or, if you prefer cuisine that’s out of this world, TheSpaceStore.com is selling authentic astronaut food. The vacuum-packed meals, which have a five-year shelf life, include freeze-dried meatloaf, French fries, chicken fajitas and cherry blueberry cobbler. There’s also a line of cosmonaut food featuring peas in cream sauce and vegetable soup puree. Yum! Sounds perfect for school cafeterias.

Mark Your Calendars: The American Lawyers Public Image Association has designated Nov. 2 as National I Love My Lawyer Day. Unless, of course, a rival lawyers group sues to reschedule the observance.

And What if Saddam Finds Out?: We don’t want to say that scientists are running out of important things to research, but who came up with this equation (recently reported in Bizarre News): If someone broke wind nonstop for six years and nine months, he or she would produce enough gas to equal the energy of an atomic bomb.

Alarming Trends Bureau: Shaquille O’Neal has been hired to design a car for Ford and a line of watches for Swatch.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: ‘‘Aristotle’s Guide to Picking Up Chicks!’’ (Weekly World News)
Bonus headline, also from WWN: ‘‘Charles Bronson’s Brain is for Sale!’’

Unpaid Informants: www.punxsutawneyphil.com, Wireless Flash News Service, internetwire.com.

Copyright 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by
Creators Syndicate