March 6, 2002

If the Shoe Fits ...

By Roy Rivenburg
That’s Shoe Biz: Paging Imelda Marcos, paging Imelda Marcos. Please pick up the white courtesy phone. A Los Angeles shoe designer named Stuart Weitzman is looking for someone to wear his latest creation: a pair of sandals worth $1 million. Made from spun platinum and studded with diamonds, the shoes are scheduled to appear at the Academy Awards on the feet of an as-yet-unnamed celebrity. We’d volunteer ourselves, but we gave up wearing million-dollar shoes for Lent. Plus, Weitzman insists on having the footwear tailed by a platoon of bodyguards to make sure the shoes get returned at the end of the evening.

Alarming Trends Bureau: The decline of Western civilization continues:

-- Ore-Ida plans to sell blue french fries starting in May.
-- A San Diego coroner’s office employee who moonlights as a hip-hop singer is recording a CD under the stage name D-Kompose.

Yo, Cottontail: A shopping center in Temecula, Calif., is advertising an appearance by ‘‘the greatest hip-hop artist of all time.’’ Is it Lauryn Hill? Dr. Dre? D-Kompose? No, none of the above. It’s the Easter Bunny.

Eating Your Words: As Cheerios sees it, kids who eat a healthy breakfast and learn to read at an early age do much better in school. Therefore, in a purely altruistic move that has nothing to do with boosting cereal sales, Cheerios has begun offering classic children’s books to anyone who sends in two proofs of purchase and $1.25. Nice try, but very inefficient. It’s better to have books that ARE breakfast.

Introducing the third annual International Edible Book Festival, in which artists turn food into text. It happens every April 1 in locales around the globe. Participants display books made from waffles, melted gummy bears, lettuce and other foods, then eat them.

In related news, the Army is reportedly working on an edible tracking device for soldiers. Rations would be spiked with harmless ‘‘biomarkers’’ that could be detected by satellite, thus reducing ‘‘friendly fire’’ against American troops.

Mark Your Calendars: St. Patrick’s Day shouldn’t get all the glory. March is also National Mower Tune-Up Month, National Ethics Awareness Month (Enron is throwing a big party), National Kidney Month, the 90th birthday of Oreo cookies and National Frozen Foods Month. In honor of the last one, has published a guide to which wines go best with various frozen food entrees. For example, pinot gris is the perfect complement to frozen creamed chipped beef, while chardonnay works well with macaroni and cheese. But no word on which wine should be served with an edible book.

Weird Polls Bureau: One in four men say they pick up a dust cloth only when the dust on the TV screen obscures their view, according to a survey by Swiffer.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: It’s getting hard to choose just one. So we’ll let you decide. Here are the nominees, all from the Weekly World News:

-- ‘‘Man Leaves Wife for Garden Gnome!’’
-- ‘‘Kitty Litter Box is Portal to Another Dimension!’’
-- ‘‘UFOs Come in Basic and Deluxe Trims -- Like Cars!’’ (Optional features include sunroofs, ski racks, whitewall tire landing gear and four-wheel drive for asteroid belts)
-- ‘‘Evil Robots Will Make Slaves of Us All!’’
-- ‘‘Viva Las Vegas -- Bin Laden Style! U.S. Marines Find a Video of Osama’s 1998 Casino Spree! He Gambled Like Crazy, Sang Karaoke Songs and Even Threw His Underwear at Tom Jones!’’

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, PR Newswire.

Copyright 2002 by Roy Rivenburg
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