May 9, 2001

The Source of All Weakest Links

By Roy Rivenburg

Lunatic Fringe Bureau: Although the next ‘‘Star Wars’’ sequel won’t hit theaters until 2002, a Florida man says you can view it now by tuning into the ‘‘cosmic wave band’’ in outer space. Poet Michael Levy claims all creative ideas are stored in the cosmic band, which gives off frequencies that anyone can mentally tune into for previews of songs, movies and books.

Naturally, we wanted to ‘‘tune into’’ advance copies of Off-Kilter, so we wouldn’t have to waste time writing them, but the only creative tale available during our attempt was actor Robert Blake’s alibi for the slaying of his wife.

Anyway, Levy’s theory got us wondering whether there’s also a cosmic wave band for stupid ideas. How else to explain the release of ‘‘Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles’’ or President Bush’s environmental policies?

Sure enough, we soon located the ‘‘spastic wave band,’’ a repository in deep space for all moronic ideas, including the XFL, the goatee fad and WB Network programming. It also is the source for many of our columns. Other recent breakthroughs apparently spawned by the dumb zone include:

-- A Maryland school principal has banned the game of tag at recess because it violates a campus ‘‘no touching’’ policy, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.
-- A Colorado ministry announced plans to build Messiahville USA, a theme park that will include a replica of the Last Supper featuring talking robot disciples and Lord.
-- The White House recently hosted a visit by the San Diego Chicken.
-- The Post Office’s citizen stamp advisory committee has received a request to issue pretzel stamps with beer-flavored glue. (Actually, this might be a good idea, depending on what brand of beer is used.)
-- A Canadian woman who fell while visiting her parents has sued them for failing to adequately supervise their stairs.
-- True Value Hardware is set to unveil magnetic wall paints that will enable homeowners to place refrigerator magnets all over the house.
-- Europe’s latest musical trend is playing songs from video arcade games.

Great Moments in History: When archaeologists opened King Tut’s tomb in 1922, they found 145 loincloths.

Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: In the African version of the story of Hansel and Gretel, the witch’s cottage is made from salt instead of gingerbread, because salt is considered extremely valuable in that culture, according to Trivia Time.

Meanwhile, in a soon-to-be-released California version of the story, the witch’s cottage will be made from electricity.

Soft Drink Sacrament: Looking for salvation in a bottle? Or a can? Try Coca-Cola. While explaining a new ad campaign for the soft drink, Coke executive Nick Bishop said: ‘‘The power of Coca-Cola is in the authentic way it can connect people to themselves, to others and to a culture that it is part of.’’

We’ll let you decide which cosmic wave band Mr. Bishop has been tuning into lately.

Weird PR Stunts: The Angel Soft toilet paper company is donating a year’s supply of TP to each contestant from ‘‘Survivor.’’

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: ‘‘Abraham, Martin and John Are Back! Hero Spirits Reach From Beyond the Grave to Kick Skinhead Butt!’’ (Weekly World News)

Bonus headline, also from WWN: ‘‘Snake Charming May Be New Olympic Event!’’ The campaign to win official approval for snake charming is sponsored by the Coalition for Inclusion of Reptilian Gymnastics in Olympic Competition.

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Cheryl Smith, PR Newswire, Heather John (belated).

Copyright 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by
Creators Syndicate