Nov. 14, 2001

The Dating Game

By Roy Rivenburg
Lonely Hearts Bureau: When it comes to dating advice, everything seems to be geared toward women. The various guides include ‘‘The Rules,’’ ‘‘Smart Women, Foolish Choices’’ and an estimated 5.2 billion Cosmo magazine articles (sample headlines, all real: ‘‘Spanky Panky,’’ ‘‘Majoring in Seduction,’’ ‘‘His Moan Zones’’ and ‘‘Tips to Manage a Man Monsoon’’).

Men, on the other hand, are usually left to fend for themselves. To rectify this imbalance, Off-Kilter consulted various experts, then totally ignored their advice and compiled this simple guide to finding romance.

Step one: Crank up the Barry Manilow. According to the Weekly World News supermarket tabloid, ‘‘Men who favor the bland musical stylings of artists such as Barry Manilow, Kenny G, John Tesh and Yanni are significantly more attractive to women, no matter how fat, ugly or stupid the guys are.’’

Step two: Choose a great pickup line. Here are several that have undergone rigorous scientific testing: ‘‘Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you,’’ ‘‘You must be Jamaican because Jamaican me crazy,’’ ‘‘Here I am. What were your other two wishes?’’ ‘‘Hello, Mars? This is the advance recon unit. Good news, I’ve found a fox’’ and ‘‘Is your dad a fireman? Because you make me turn red all over and go ‘Woo woo!’ ’’

Step three: Don’t search for females in bars, churches, grocery stores, the office or any other locale where competition is more likely. Instead, visit a prison. Start with Stuff magazine’s new article, ‘‘Killer Babes -- The 10 Hottest Women on Death Row.’’ Sample entry: ‘‘Virginia Larzelere can’t keep house, sleeps around, robs and was rumored to be in an unhealthy relationship with her son. And those are her strong points.’’

Alarming Trends Bureau: Eight reasons why Oregon’s assisted suicide law is starting to make sense:

-- Tammy Faye Bakker and Marilyn Manson are recording a duet of ‘‘Silent Night,’’ according to Relevant Magazine.
-- The chairman of Wesleyan University’s theater department has a PhD in clowning from Harvard and a master’s in buffoonery from Ringling Brothers Clown College, according to the Hartford Courant.
-- Fidel Castro action figures will be on toy store shelves in time for Christmas, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.
-- In a touching display of patriotism, several companies have begun selling Stars and Stripes thong underwear, American flag bikinis and, for dominatrixes, red, white and blue thigh-high boots with 5-inch spiked heels.
-- A German liquor company is marketing aerosol cocktails. The ‘‘spray-on’’ drinks come in two flavors -- vodka with lemon or coffee liqueur.
-- The USDA is experimenting with edible plastic wrap, including a peach-flavored version that melts into a glaze for ham when heated, according to Popular Science magazine.
-- A Florida woman is hoping to build a memorial to the victims of Sept. 11 out of 1 million shoelaces.
-- Nov. 15 marks the first National Take a Model Train to Work Day.

Celebrity Insect Bureau: Country singer Cyndi Thomson shares vocals with crickets on her new single, ‘‘I Always Liked That Best.’’ The insect audition was conducted by the recording engineer, who listened to 50 types of cricket before deciding that Georgia bugs had the best sound.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: ‘‘Mini-Mermaid Found in Tuna Sandwich! ‘I Asked for Extra Mayo and Got THIS,’ Says Iowa Man’’ (Weekly World News)

Bonus headline, from the Globe, ‘‘How Bin Laden’s Timex Sends Coded Messages!’’

Unpaid Informants:, Wireless Flash News Service,,

Copyright 2001 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by
Creators Syndicate