November 1, 2000

Bloodsuckers Issue:
Bats and the Candidates

By Roy Rivenburg

Needy Bats Bureau: Sure, everyone loves bats when Halloween rolls around. But what happens to the little bloodsuckers after the festivities end? It's not a pretty picture: depression, homelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, divorce. Fortunately, several organizations have stepped in with adopt-a-bat programs. At you can adopt a sonar-spewing critter for $20 and receive a picture and personal letter of thanks from your bat. Or, if you're on a budget, Carlsbad Caverns offers $6 bat adoptions, complete with an adoption certificate and adopt-a-bat bumper sticker.

Lawyers and the Lord: The latest trend in legal circles is for people to sue churches that publicly announce their illnesses during prayers for healing, according to a report in the Dallas Morning News.

In a related development, the biblical story of Jesus curing a paralytic will now be referred to as "the healing of a man with an undisclosed illness.''

Bird Bistro Bureau: An Ohio company has introduced microwaveable pasta dinners for parrots. The "beak-watering'' Italian meals contain a "nutritious blend of pasta, beans and dehydrated fruits.'' According to, just add water, cook for two minutes and serve.

The only thing missing is a little bottle of parrot chianti and tiny cuttlebone after-dinner mints.

Law Enforcement Research Department: Farrah Fawcett's hairdo is better for crime fighting than the styles worn by Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu in the new "Charlie's Angels'' movie, according to a Los Angeles hairdresser who created Fawcett's feathered look for the original TV series.

Indecision 2000: As the presidential race heads into the home stretch, it's time for one last campaign roundup:

  • Al Gore continues to trail George W. Bush in the most reputable national polls, including the Helen Grace Jellybean Poll (formerly the Helen Grace Banana Split Poll) and the crucial New York Center for the Strange Poll, which found that 70 percent of all witches are Republicans. The only bright spot for the vice president is a Kelley Blue Book survey showing that 75 percent of Volkswagen Jetta owners back him. However, Gore's VW advantage is more than offset by Bush's support among Honda, Yugo and pickup drivers. AMC Hummer owners back Pat Buchanan and Corvair fans refuse to endorse Ralph Nader.

  • The medical term for the cooling of the body after death is "algor mortis,'' which may explain the vice president's reputation for stiffness, according to a report in the Washington Times.
  • Quote of the Week: From Jonah Goldberg of the National Review: "It bothers me that Thoreau said the key to life is to 'simplify, simplify,' but repeated the same word twice. Similarly, it bothers me that Edgar Allan Poe said his favorite word in the English language was 'cellar door.' ''

    Truth Still Stranger Than Fiction: To entertain guests at her Scotland estate, Queen Elizabeth now performs duets of "Don't Worry, Be Happy'' with Big Mouth Billy Bass, the singing rubber fish, according to Reuters news service. We'll never achieve global peace until every world leader has a Big Mouth Billy Bass.

    Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: "David Hasselhoff is the Antichrist!''(Weekly World News)

    But you probably already knew that. Therefore, we have a bonus headline: "By 2050, Most People Will Be Too Fat to Crawl Out of Bed! And Our Arms and Legs Will Be Little More Than Flippers!''

    Unpaid Informants: U.S. Catholic, Wireless Flash News Service,, Chicago Sun-Times, Mark Kellner, Mike Faneuff.

    Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
    Distributed by Creators Syndicate