November 8, 2000

Things to Ponder While
They Recount the Ballots

By Roy Rivenburg

When It Rings, It Pours: We are constantly amazed at all the revolutionary changes in telephone technology. First came cellular phones, then cell phones with Internet access. Now, Hammacher Schlemmer introduces the world's first telephone that doubles as a shower. For a mere $9,000, you can outfit your home with an authentic British telephone booth that is equipped with a working shower head and a waterproof cordless phone and answering machine. Never again will you have to miss a telemarketer's call because you're taking a shower!

Weird Polls Department: More proof that pollsters are running out of decent questions to ask: 48% of people who planned to vote for the Green Party have outdoor decks made with cyanide-treated wood, according to a survey by

Mark Your Calendar: National Toilet Day will be celebrated Nov. 10.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow: Our time-traveling journalist recently returned from 2001 with a report on the next big trend in men's hairstyles. As you know, men's hair has veered from long to short to mohawks to completely shaved. Only one thing hasn't been tried: Voluntary comb-overs. Early next year, men with full heads of hair will shave the top of their scalps, then let the sides grow long so they can do comb-overs.

Decline of Civilization Bureau: A Massachusetts company has begun marketing a home massage device for cats. The $20 CatSpa uses a series of brushes, bristles and ripples to soothe tired felines. It also has a "gum stimulator'' designed to reduce cat plaque.

Decision 2000: This might explain the election results. A Puerto Rican exorcist says demons often take over human bodies to influence voting.

Mr. Potato Head's Nightmare: The National Potato Promotions Board wants you to know that Americans will devour an estimated 55 million pounds of spuds this Thanksgiving -- enough to fill seven Mayflowers.

In other food news, British butchers have created a sausage that is 36.75 miles long.

Lunatic Fringe Bureau: Actress Daryl Hannah has informed the London Sunday Mirror that the ghost of Marilyn Monroe gives her acting tips and advice on picking lottery numbers.

Here's another tip, Daryl: Marilyn couldn't act, either, so you might want to look for a new acting coach.

Alarming Trends Watch: A Los Angeles dance instructor has predicted a "60 percent chance'' for a revival of the Hustle based on scenes of the dance in the new "Charlie's Angels'' movie.

Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: A California man holds the record for the loudest finger snap at 108 decibels, equivalent to a jackhammer, according to "Guinness World Records 2001.''

Supermarket Tabloid Shocker of the Week: Has the mystery behind Jimmy Hoffa's disappearance finally been solved? It depends on which Weekly World News headline you believe. According to one story, "Jimmy Hoffa Fled to Mexico For a Sex-Change Operation! Teamsters Boss Wasn't Murdered -- But He Isn't the Man He Used to Be!''

However, another WWN headline claims: "Jimmy Hoffa Was Turned Into Dog Food! Mafia Killed Teamsters Boss -- Then Shipped His Body to Pet Food Factory, Stunning New Evidence Says.''

Is there a way to reconcile the two stories? We think so. Hoffa obviously had a sex change and THEN got turned into dog chow.

Unpaid Informants: Baird Jones,,, Wireless Flash News Service,, Chicago Sun-Times.

Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate