October 11, 2000

Candidate Is Pulling the
Wool Over Their Eyes

By Roy Rivenburg

Home on the Range: An animal psychic who claims to telepathically communicate with George W. Bush's three sheep says the creatures adamantly oppose moving to the White House.

According to Wireless Flash News Service, the woolly pets (who are named Ophelia, Eltonia and Logan) have been worried about Bush because they haven't seen him for awhile and didn't know he was running for president.

This is appalling. Obviously, the governor didn't tell them about his campaign. Which makes us wonder: Can a man who hides the truth from his own sheep be trusted to be honest with the American public?

Vanishing Victuals: We can't believe everyone's making such a fuss about violence in the Middle East when there are far more vexing threats at home.

We're referring, of course, to the lax security at this year's Trigg County Country Ham Festival in Cadiz, Ky., where organizers plan to bake the world's largest ham biscuit on Oct. 14. The 720-pound quick bread will be cooked in a custom-built 500,000-BTU propane oven. And then it will probably be stolen.

In case you haven't noticed, our nation is in the grips of a food-theft epidemic. In Champaign, Ill., bandits recently looted $20,000 worth of Kraft mayonnaise, $200,000 worth of Snickers and Three Musketeers bars, and $1,500 in Velveeta and cream cheese from several trucks.

Meanwhile, on the West Coast, criminals hijacked a shipment of Newman's Own salad dressing containing 664 cases of Olive Oil & Vinegar, 238 cases of Balsamic Vinaigrette and 334 cases of Family Recipe Italian. Also, in Dallas, thieves have pirated boxcar loads of Frosted Flakes and Apple Jacks.

Clues are scarce, but authorities have not ruled out the possible involvement of TV weatherman Al Roker.

Maul a Pumpkin, Go to Jail: Coming soon to your neighborhood: Cop sirens, helicopters circling above and a tense standoff as police yell through a megaphone, "We've got you surrounded. Drop the knife now and step away from the pumpkin! Do not harm the pumpkin!''

That's because traditional jack-o'-lantern carving is now a crime. Or should be, according to Martha Stewart. In a new Halloween guide that also features her recipe for Pina Ghouladas, the lifestyle maven presents "Pumpkin Carving 101,'' which states that proper jack-o'-lantern design requires the following tools: a keyhole saw, a linoleum cutter, a sabre saw, a plaster scraper, a double melon-ball scooper and a power drill.

Don't even think about butchering pumpkins any other way, infidel. To be safe, purchase Stewart's "ultimate pumpkin-carving kit'' for just $75 (it can also be used year-round to turn watermelons and turnips into decorative soup tureens).

Justice 2000: A Florida attorney who unsuccessfully defended himself against bribery charges is now appealing his conviction on the grounds that he "failed to tell himself'' about the perils of being his own lawyer, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: "The Monsters Under Your Bed Are Real!'' (Weekly World News)

According to a leading evangelist who lost six of his children to monsters, evil creatures "from the sewers of hell are flooding the world, and they aren't coming here to visit Disney World ... they're coming to get you!''

WWN recommends several remedies:

  • Beg God every evening to "please, please, please'' protect you from the monsters. For added security, set your alarm clock to go off regularly during the night for additional praying.
  • Always sleep on your back, facing heaven, instead of on your stomach facing hell.
  • Avoid storing toys under your bed, especially ones that promote "violent or perverted behavior,'' such as plastic guns, press-on tattoos, lawn darts and Martha Stewart pumpkin-carving kits.
  • Unpaid Informants: Champaign News-Gazette, Associated Press, San Francisco Chronicle, Susanna Timmons, www.marthastewart.com, www.inside.com. Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
    Distributed by Creators Syndicate