Sept. 11, 2002

The Latest Scoop on Fall TV Shows

By Roy Rivenburg
Buffy the Vanilla Slayer: Baskin-Robbins has created a new batch of ice cream flavors to promote NBC’s fall TV season. The flavors include Will & Grace’s Rocky Road of Romance, Fear Factor Sundae (which contains gummy spiders and ribbons of ‘‘lime slime’’) and Good Morning Miami Mint.

Naturally, we see room for other TV show flavors. To promote ‘‘ER,’’ Baskin-Robbins could develop a Jamoca Almond Gallbladder ice cream that contains sugar crystal gallstones. ‘‘Flipper’’ could be represented by Pralines ’n Dolphin-Free Tuna. ‘‘Friends’’ would have Central Perk Coffee or Chandler Bing Cherry ice cream. And ‘‘The Brady Bunch’’ flavors could include Marcia Marcia Marshmallow, Very Berry Bobby and Sam the Butcher Butter Pecan and Pork Medallions.

In other frozen dessert news, the solution to America’s education crisis might be simpler than everyone thinks. Instead of wasting taxpayer dollars on such frivolities as smaller class sizes and new textbooks, just hand out Posse Pops, a ‘‘new line of ice cream that has social and educational benefits.’’ Created by rap star Ice-T and a company called Planet Ice Cream, the educational dessert line includes such flavors as: Wild Thang, a mixture of vanilla and chocolate that teaches safe sex; Knock You Out, a vanilla and crunchy chocolate combo that delivers an anti-drug message; and Blowing Up, a peanut butter ice cream treat that ‘‘endorses higher learning.’’

Alarming Trends Bureau: More reasons why space aliens should destroy Earth immediately:

-- An air freshener designed to smell like singer Kylie Minogue’s breath has been bottled by a British inventor, according to Wireless Flash News Service.
-- A Virginia soda company plans to market a root beer called Root 66. (We think Root Canal is a better name.)
-- An estate in England is looking to hire a professional hermit, whose job description entails living in a cave on the grounds and avoiding human contact.
-- A New Jersey author has written a book about Sept. 11 from the viewpoint of a mouse family whose relative is killed in the attack on the World Trade Center.

Missouri Loves Company: In a mock vote held at the Missouri State Fair, people who favor pronouncing the state’s name ‘‘Missouree’’ outnumbered folks who prefer ‘‘Missourah’’ 3 to 1.

But still no word on whether New Jersey should be pronounced ‘‘New Jersah’’ or Florida should be called ‘‘Floridee.’’

Meanwhile, would someone please inform certain TV newscasters that the ‘‘vad’’ in Nevada sounds like ‘‘mad’’ not ‘‘mod.’’ And that Oregon rhymes with Corrigan, even though some people try to pronounce it ‘‘AR-i-gawn’’ (they are wrong and should be executed). Once these matters are settled, we can turn national attention to the question of how to pronounce New Orleans. Is it ‘‘New Or-LEENZ,’’ ‘‘New OR-lee-unz,’’ ‘‘New OR-lenz,’’ ‘‘N’awlins’’ or ‘‘the Big Easy’’?

Criminal Einstein Bureau: A 47-year-old Swedish man whose brain could obviously use a few Posse Pops entered a post office in the town of Halmstad, told the cashier he was armed and ordered her to deposit $37.2 million in his bank account, for which he supplied her the account number.

Fuzzy Thinking Bureau: To cut construction costs on its new meeting hall, the Houston chapter of the Teamsters Union hired non-union laborers.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: ‘‘Bill Clinton Offered Job as Pro Wrestler!’’ (Weekly World News)

For eight years, he felt our pain. Now others can feel his pain.

Unpaid Informants: PR Newswire,, Wireless Flash News Service, Reuters, David Allen, Houston Chronicle.

Copyright 2002 by Roy Rivenburg
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