September 20, 2000

Not Your Average Joe

By Roy Rivenburg

Guys and Dolls:This just in from our Decline of Western Civilization Bureau: KB Toys has begun selling 'N Sync marionettes.

In other doll news, Hasbro recently unveiled a John F. Kennedy action figure (assassination conspiracy theories and magic bullet kit sold separately). The company has also introduced a talking Navajo G.I. Joe doll, the latest in a series of collectible figures that includes G.I. George Washington, G.I. Buzz Aldrin, G.I. Bob Hope and a G.I. pygmy gorilla (coming out in October -- no joke).

But we're still hoping for a G.I. Joe Lieberman, the first kosher military action figure, or a G.I. Joe Camel, which will eventually be sued by a G.I. Joe State Attorney General. Other possibilities include G.I. Mr. Potato Head, G.I. Kafka (pull the string and it turns into a cockroach) and Don't Ask Don't Tell G.I. Joe, which comes with a camouflage chiffon gown and matching machine gun ensemble.

Mahatma Regis: Following the trail blazed by England and the United States, India has launched its own version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.'' The most recent 1.25-million rupee question was, "Which Moghul emperor transferred the jagirdari of Bengal, Bihar and Orissa to the East India Co.?''

So, as you can see, the questions in India are just as easy as the ones here. Meanwhile, Off-Kilter has learned that Saddam Hussein might authorize an Iraqi version of the show. Sample million-dinar question: "The United States is a) the Great Satan, b) Satan's personal trainer, c) Satan on a stick, d) super neat.''

A Reason to Vote Republican?: Actor Alec Baldwin has vowed to leave the U.S. if George W. Bush is elected president. Obviously, this would be a tragic loss for the nation. But if everyone pulls together, we can probably get by. Off-Kilter promises to do its part by personally taking care of Kim Basinger once Alec departs.

This is Your Rook on Drugs: Writing in this month's Chess Life magazine, White House drug czar Barry McCaffrey says tournament chess players should be tested for drugs. We totally agree. After watching the way that many of these geeky chess players effortlessly lift and move the heavy chess pieces around the board, it's obvious they're using steroids.

We also favor mandatory drug screening for Monopoly, Parcheesi and Chutes and Ladders.

Random Olympics Trivia: Koala bears smell like cough drops (because they eat so many eucalyptus leaves).

Alarming Trends Bureau: A former cast member from the play "Cats'' has announced plans to open a "Cats'' museum.

Hmm. Maybe Alec Baldwin has the right idea after all.

Breaking News: National Be Late for Something Day was Sept. 5, and you can probably guess why we didn't tell you sooner.

Supermarket Tabloid Story of the Week "Is Your Boss the Antichrist?'' (Weekly World News)

One warning sign is if you've never seen the boss' feet. According to WWN, most theologians believe the Antichrist will share Lucifer's physical attributes, including cloven hooves.

Another dead giveaway is a boss whose origins are obscure. "Do you really know where the boss comes from or where he got the money to start his business?'' asks the article. "If not, it's quite possible that Satan is his silent partner.''

The final clue is if your boss bears an uncanny resemblance to Hasbro's new G.I. Antichrist action figure.

Unpaid Informants: PR Newswire, Boston Globe, Associated Press, Arizona Daily Star, Chicago Sun-Times, Mark Kellner, Susanna Timmons, Baird Jones, Washington Post, Wireless Flash News Service

Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
Distributed by Creators Syndicate