September 27, 2000

Campaigning to Be Your
White House Lackey

By Roy Rivenburg

Toga Party 2000: OK, it's time to take off the gloves. A year ago, we joined the race for president, pledging to restore dignity to the White House by emulating the Founding Fathers and bringing back powdered wigs like the ones worn by George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Barbara Bush.

Now, phase two of the campaign begins -- presenting our bold vision for America's future:

  • Skyhigh oil prices. In order to boost domestic oil production, we'll hire experienced hillbillies to roam the countryside shootin' at some food, confident that one day they'll hit some bubblin' crude.
  • Inclusiveness. Did we just say "hillbillies''? We meant "rural mountain indigenous peoples.''
  • Health care. According to International Living magazine, Ecuador has become the world's cheapest retirement spot, partly because doctor visits cost as little as 33 cents. We propose to buy Ecuador on eBay for $29.95, and contract out Medicare services to its doctors.
  • Defense. With the Cold War over, it's absurd to maintain an expensive military. We'll jettison the entire armed forces in favor of, a new company that claims to handle any kind of errand: waxing your car, moving furniture, standing in line at the DMV, pedicures.
    It's aimed at people who have "less and less time to take care of life's little chores.'' So if there's trouble in, say, the Middle East, we'll just contact to do the invasion. And satisfaction is guaranteed. If they lose, we don't have to pay. More importantly, slashing the military will save billions of your tax dollars, which we'll redirect toward increasing our presidential salary.
  • Education reform. In another move designed to cut federal spending, we'll get rid of useless high school history classes and instead require students to memorize the lyrics to Billy Joel's hit "We Didn't Start the Fire.'' Everything they need to know is in the song: "Joseph Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev, Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist bloc ... Buddy Holly, Ben Hur, space monkey, mafia, Hula Hoops, Castro, Edsel is a no-go,'' etc.
  • Entertainment. Al Gore and George W. Bush keep bashing Hollywood for excessive sex and violence, but we're the only candidate willing to penalize film studios for lousy movies in general. We promise to use military force (courtesy of against any studio that subjects the public to such films as "Wild Wild West,'' "The Piano'' or "Battlefield Earth.''
  • Presidential debates. We favor a more freewheeling forum, one involving pie fights, flamethrowers and midgets.
  • As for the polls, sure, we're trailing now, but only because we haven't held our party convention yet. We're not going to make the same mistake Bush and Gore did. By holding their nominating conventions in August, any bounce they got in the polls has long since worn off. In contrast, our carefully scripted convention--complete with a Gore-style kiss of an inflatable woman--will fall three days before the November election, giving us enough bounce to assure victory.

    Quote of the Week: Vice President Gore, thanking a group of Hispanic supporters in New Mexico: "Machismo gracias!''

    Press Releases We Ignored: "Straight Talk on Soy,'' "Top Swine Genetics to be Exhibited During World Pork Expo'' and "Pajamaology: Your Sleepwear Reveals Your Personality.''

    Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: "Inventor Plans to Get to Heaven by Catapult!'' (Weekly World News)

    If successful, he'll be able to evaluate the accuracy of a second WWN story headlined, "Surprise! God is Clean-Shaven!'' According to the article, traditional images of the Almighty as an old man with a white beard are apparently wrong. Modern theologians "by and large agree that God is clean-shaven and looks like a person in the prime of life.''

    Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, U.S. News & World Report, Chicago Sun-Times, PR Newswire.

    Copyright © 2000 by Roy Rivenburg
    Distributed by Creators Syndicate